- The Washington Times - Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I never thought I’d be in this position, but it looks like I need some career advice. I was poised to become one of the most powerful men in the land and had to go through a pretty tough vetting process. Confirmation hearings can be a drag, so they wanted to be sure I didn’t have any skeletons hiding in my closet.

Turns out I had one. I didn’t think it was a big deal. So I’m under investigation by a grand jury for a pay-to-play scheme. I know I’m in the right, so I don’t see why I had to disclose all the details. I thought it would be over by now, but it’s not. So now I’ve had to withdraw from my big promotion.

I don’t know why this is a problem anyway. I haven’t always been upfront - I said I’d been drafted to play professional baseball way back when, but I actually hadn’t. That didn’t stop me from becoming one of the country’s best-known governors. So what lesson am I supposed to learn here?

- Bill Richardson

Dear Bill,

There is no wisdom like frankness.

- Benjamin Disraeli

I know my Bravo show is supposed to be about my life on the D-list, but I got a pretty B-list New Year’s Eve gig. I was co-hosting CNN’s festivities along with that cutie Anderson Cooper. I made a little boo-boo, though. Some people kept heckling me, and when I thought we’d gone to commercials, I really let one of them have it. This guy was so rude, interrupting me when I was trying to do my job, I just lost it. I said some things you’re not supposed to say on TV. Now I’m worried I’ll never be asked to do a major gig like this again. How can I make sure I stay on at least, say, the C-list from now on?

- Kathy Griffin

Dear Kathy,

The secret of success is to be in harmony with existence, to be always calm to let each wave of life wash us a little farther up the shore.

- Cyril Connolly

I sure showed them. I showed everybody, in fact. When I had to admit I was an unmarried, pregnant high schooler right after my mom became a vice-presidential candidate, I caught lots of flak. People kept judging me, even though they knew nothing about me. They thought I had acted really stupidly. Turns out I was pretty smart after all. My baby was just born, and I got paid $300,000 by People magazine for a few pictures of the kid. Doesn’t it seem like being a single, 17-year-old mother-to-be was a pretty good move after all?

- Bristol Palin

Dear Bristol,

The effects of our actions may be postponed, but they are never lost. There is an inevitable reward for good deeds and an inescapable punishment for bad. Meditate upon this truth, and seek always to earn good wages from Destiny.

- Wu Ming Fu

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