- The Washington Times - Sunday, March 8, 2009

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I’m getting married in a year and I’m discovering all kinds of things I hate about my fiance.

He likes too many sports — even fishing and bowling — and lets them interrupt our plans. He is also very moralistic and condescending, and hates my gay friends and my friends of other races.

I am trying to help him by educating him. When I take him around my friends, he acts like he is comfortable, but when we come home, he makes homophobic comments.

Now he acts like he doesn’t like the music I listen to and he’s saying my friends are all influencing me about culture, food and travel.

Should I continue in this relationship or proceed in hopes that he will change? I’m not sure what to do. — Searching For a Soul Mate

Dear Searching,

I think it was Maya Angelou who said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” I think your fiance is showing you who he really is. I also think every relationship needs compromise and respect for each other and our differences.

You should realize that some personality styles don’t change. He likes sports, all sports. On the other hand, I don’t think your social outings have to be influenced by every sport that’s on TV. That’s what compromising means.

It sounds like your fiance does not like being around different cultures, ethnicities or people with different sexual orientations. In my opinion, I don’t think you can change who he is. However, you can tell him I said his homophobic comments are “so not in vogue.”

Where do you go from here? Well, definitely not to the altar. This deserves three red-light stops; complete halt. I don’t think you’ve found your soul mate, but if you continue with this relationship, consider premarital counseling. Keep in touch!

Vicki Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker, military spouse and mother of three. Her Dear Ms. Vicki column runs in The Washington Times on Thursdays and Sundays. Contact her at [email protected]

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