- The Washington Times - Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I’ve done something very stupid. Everyone thinks there are no gay people in the military. Well, that’s false because I’ve met and fallen in love with one. Actually, he disclosed that he is bisexual, but I keep telling him that either you are gay or you’re not; there is no in-between.

We became very close during our last deployment to Iraq. We returned home in December 2008, continued to date and at one point lived together. Yes, we have been sexually intimate on many occasions, and, no, I never noticed anything that would make me think he is gay. He didn’t tell me until a couple of months ago and says he wants to remain in a relationship with me.

I keep asking how I can stay with him when I have a double whammy. The truth is, I won’t know who’s competing with me. I will wonder if he is interested in men and women. How can I trust that he is truly interested in a relationship with me?

I want to be married someday and have children, and I only want a committed relationship. However, I am in love with him, and I want to follow this through to see if this can happen between us. Ms. Vicki, should I just move on with my Air Force career and let this, go or should I hang in there? What do I have to lose?

- Air Force Angel

Dear Air Force,

With each letter I answer, I tell myself I am going to improve my ability to show empathy and sympathy and give quick advice to my readers. Your letter makes me keep my goal of giving quick advice.

Angel, if I were you, I would end the relationship. I would cut it off - no more e-mails, Facebooking, Twittering, texting, etc. I would cut off all contact, but here’s the deal: I know you won’t. So do as you wish.

You say you love him, but you never say he loves you, too. You ask how you can trust that he wants a relationship with you. Are you serious? He wants a relationship with you, but he also wants one with Mary and John, too. You want a committed relationship that includes marriage. He has never said he shares the same desire. Stop trying to figure out if he’s gay or bisexual.

Finally, you ask what you have to lose by staying in this relationship. You’re not losing anything because you don’t have anything. Wake up!

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My husband has moved to another base in Washington state. He told me the movers would be coming in two weeks to pack up all of my belongings to move me there, too. Well, it’s been three months, and the movers haven’t come yet.

Now, all of a sudden, he won’t even return my phone calls, and I know his new unit is getting ready to deploy soon. I have no money and no way to pay the rent or anything. I have to move because I’m being evicted.

My parents live in Virginia, and they are telling me to come and stay with them, but I’m willing to be homeless on the street just to show everyone how my husband has treated me. I’ve been totally abandoned by him, and I can’t believe a soldier is allowed to treat his wife this way. I know he should be giving me at least half his pay.

Before we were married, I always wanted a job so I could be independent, but he insisted that I not work and become a housewife. Ms. Vicki, whom can I contact to make my husband do right by me?

- My Soldier Abandoned Me

Dear Abandoned,

I hear this story quite frequently. The writers often follow up with me and report there was nothing they could do but get legal help.

Something has to be done before your husband deploys. Two things: Call his unit and speak to his commander or his first sergeant. Explain the situation, and perhaps at their urging he will relent and agree to send you a monthly monetary allotment to help sustain you. You do, however, have to understand that they cannot make him do anything.

As a result, my second piece of advice is to get legal help; you may have to retain an attorney. Many writers in your situation report that they had to file for a legal separation to receive spousal support from the service member.

As the adage goes, “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” In other words, becoming homeless to prove a point to your husband is not the answer. Swallow your pride and move in with your parents until your situation improves. Be grateful you have parents who are willing to help.

I regret that you are in this situation, and I wish you well. Keep in touch when you can.

Reader responses:

- The Sept. 13 letter from a 6-year-old child’s stepmother was a rank obscenity. Here is a woman, under the guise of Christian principles, clearly stating that her stepdaughter has been lying since she was 3 years old? That is a baby - a baby up against a rigid, judgmental woman who hides behind Christianity to make a claim against a child.

Not only is this child without her own mother and with a father deployed elsewhere, but she’s left in the hands of one who qualifies for the wicked witch in any of the classic fairy tales, whether it’s “Cinderella,” “Snow White” or the looney who abandons two innocents to starvation in the woods in “Hansel and Gretel.”

The woman needs counseling, and that baby needs protection. There is not an iota of “love” other than her statement of it in her rant, and that child’s future well-being is at stake.

- J.S., West Springfield, Va.

- Ms. Vicki, you are way off base here. This young stepchild is not normal! Lying and stealing? She needs some help. These are the kids who grow up to be mass murderers or at least menaces to our society.

You ask how you can trust that he wants a relationship with you. Are you serious? He wants a relationship with you, but he also wants one with Mary and John, too.

OR

You say you love him, but you never say he loves you, too. You ask how you can trust that he wants a relationship with you. Are you serious? He wants a relationship with you, but he also wants one with Mary and John, too.

Vicki Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker, military spouse and mother of three. Her column runs in The Washington Times on Thursdays and Sundays. Contact her at dearmsvicki@yahoo.com.

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