- - Wednesday, August 6, 2014


The best new reality show on television this season is The Real Agents of the IRS on the Department of Treasury Network, which is owned by Obama, Inc. Unlike all those other Housewives shows, with the fake cooking, lips and sisterhood, these are real people who earn real paychecks from real hardworking American taxpaying citizens. This show has mystery, intrigue and talk of recycling which makes the Green Movement giddy.

It is riveting to think that all of our deductions from our paychecks are being spent on trying to find “lost” emails from the now conveniently retired top IRS official Lois Lerner–or LoLe, as she called in the Accounting ‘hood. The bedlam started when it became blatantly obvious that under madam’s instructions, the tax-exempt department was to scrutinize any application that even had an aroma of affinity for Ronald Reagan or the movie Knute Rockne. Lerner’s disdain was not expressed in flipping a table at a restaurant like a certain NJ Housewife, who is coincidentally being indicted for tax evasion, but by trying to bring down Conservatives and those who love them.  It must be done to keep the network bosses happy.

What differentiates this show from the others is all of the bandwidth involved in attempting to solve the missing case of the lost, destroyed or buried-with-Jimmy-Hoffa emails. Resources from the Ways and Means Committee, House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, Treasury Inspector General for the Administration, and the DC District Court to name a few, are all being utilized to investigate the legend of the missing hard drive, which was called Bigfoot at the last Alternative Minimum Tax Convention. The result is, millions upon millions of taxpayer dollars being spent just on this investigation alone, to find these emails to prove that a war was being sanctioned on these radical righties who were applying for tax-exempt status that they are eligible for…which only seem to be issued to illegal aliens nowadays.

Based on a Statement of Cash Flows, the results are No Cash In, All Cash Out. I am really torn between which is more ludicrous and wasteful, the spending on Operation LoLe or the $325,000 study per the WasteBook 2013 Report that wives need to calm down faster to be happier with their husbands.  Really…does that apply to when my husband keeps hounding me to hang his new bicycle from the ceiling, like we just graduated from Ohio State?

There is also a whole host of CSI computer experts combing through hard drives, software and recycling plants which would make a great episode on Hoarders for the techies.  This IRS scandal has something for everyone!

Recently discovered are emails that were sent by Ms. Lerner to an associate, her husband Michael Miles or Entertainment Tonight, depending on your source. Ms. Lerner used pet names like “crazies” and “__holes” to describe approximately 40% of the US population which from her viewpoint are more destructive than alien terRorists. Yes, as we all know from that fierce competitor Marge from McCool Junction, Nebraska has been known to strap a bomb on herself when she makes the Bowling Championship finals. Ms. Lerner is, of course, certainly entitled to her opinion but it does not bode well in the bias department.

The comedic irony of this whole circus is that the IRS is the governing authority on applying the laws of a tax code that is so enormous in size and so convoluted, it’s like combing through Bill Clinton’s mistress list. The IRS also has the authority to audit any individual without any reason quicker than Mr. Obama dashing off to a Beverly Hills fundraiser while the Middle East is imploding. Audit selections can be random, or your name can be Googled, in which case if the search turns up that you signed a pro-fracking petition, tsk, tsk.

When you are faced with this elite group of number crunchers (some are very hard working and bright people and some, not so much), you can be asked to provide canceled checks for deductions you have made, which is perfectly reasonable.  Or you may be asked to provide a receipt for a tuna sandwich you paid for at a business lunch, but you threw out because it had mayo on it.

When the audit is complete–this is a spoiler alert so stop reading now if you don’t want to see how it ends–you are most likely have to pay taxes you owe with interest and penalties that would have made Tony Soprano envious.

This circus will continue, Ms. Lerner will never be held accountable, and the Committee of Investigation of Finding the Existence of Things that Don’t Exist will continue to investigate.

Just wait until Obamacare is fully synched up to this stellar agency. I hear you will have to speak to Bernie from the Estate and Trust Department to find a periodontist in your network.

Ellen Karis is an actress and comedienne in New York (EllenKaris.com).  She’s also an accountant.

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