- - Friday, March 28, 2014

The Rusty Humphries Rebellion Presents

LOUIE THE LUMP: The Gospel According To Darwin

Hi boys and girls! Lately a lot of people have been talking about the creation of life and the Big Bang theory … No, little Lexi, I’m not talking about Sheldon. Bazinga!

The bottom line for the theory of evolution is, “All species arose from one common ancestor.”

Now it’s time for me to tell you the story of how random chance formed our very first ancestor, and his name was LOUIE!

(Written and illustrated by MR Herron)

Louie the Lump, Self-Made Man

Or you could call it — The Gospel According to Darwin

Once upon a time, a Big Bang boomed.

Stars were scattered — the cosmos bloomed.

Elements sprang — atoms revolved

and the pesky problem of creation was solved.

But all you really need to know,

is that a long, long time ago,

everything environmentally,

came about accidentally.

And man is but a blink, a whit, a tiny fraction,

one short link in a very, very long chain reaction.

Now, when the Earth was still quite young,

from the muck and the mire, the first life sprung.

Lighting cracked the sky one day

and just by luck struck a lump of clay.

From that goo, this new life came,

and in that moment the lump knew his name.

“I’m Louie,” he cried, and began to rejoice!

though he had no mouth, no tongue and no voice.

Just one minute old, but somehow he knew,

there were places to go and things he could do.

Yes, he had a sixth sense, (before there was five)

which gave him his hope and drive to survive.

“I will live and explore the great unknown,

but something tells me I can’t do it alone.

“And if I don’t think of something fast,

I’ll not only be the first, I’ll soon be the last.

“I refuse to regress back into the goo,

so I guess I’d better split in two.”

And though he did not have a brain,

couldn’t feel the hot sun or chill of the rain.

He had no legs, or heart, or blood to pump,

still Louie made that miraculous jump.


Then there were two.

And then there were four.

Soon there were thousands and millions more.

And Louie was their king, so it’s no surprise,

that soon he began to organize.

Yes, Louie was wise and quite resilient,

but what he did next was truly brilliant.

This inspiring leader, inspired his troop,

to rise up from the primordial soup

In the world’s very first motivational speech,

he described a world just out of their reach.

He captured their attention with his dreams of ascension,

and his promise to explore each unknown dimension!

“We’ll be pioneers of these new frontiers,

though it’ll probably take us billions of years,

“Just have a little faith, and believe it,

and we can build an organ that can perceive it.”

And so the upward struggle began,

for Louie the Lump — Self-Made Man.

Well, there boys and girls I think I’ll stop there for today. After all, I’ve covered about 14 billion years in less than three minutes.

There are really only two sides to the origin of man anyway — evolution and creation.

Evolution has become the state religion — and it requires a much bigger leap of faith than a belief in God does. Perhaps you have the faith to believe in spontaneous generation and that your great, great, great granddaddy was a lump of goo. But I don’t — any more than I believe that the stimulus creates jobs. Or man has caused global warming. Or, if you like your plan, you can keep your plan.

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of fairy tales. The scientific kind and the political kind. There’s more at stake here than just a few harmless differences of opinion. I think we should revisit some of these so-called settled issues in an honest and respectful way because the truth WILL set us free.

That’s it for this time, boys and girls. Don’t worry, I’ll read another chapter from Louie’s incredible saga sometime soon.

Until next time, this is The Rusty Humphries Rebellion.

Copyright © 2018 The Washington Times, LLC. Click here for reprint permission.

The Washington Times Comment Policy

The Washington Times welcomes your comments on Spot.im, our third-party provider. Please read our Comment Policy before commenting.


Click to Read More and View Comments

Click to Hide