CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Eight years after it was proved — even more convincingly than the moon landing — that a black man can get elected president of the United States of America, we still have slow learners stuck in the past.
It’s the “Obliterate History Neanderthals” versus the “I’m White and I’m Proud Brass Knuckle Draggers.” Truly, dumb and dumber — and not always in that order.
The only people dumber than the Neanderthals and Brass Knuckle Draggers are the insufferably tedious referees known as the Stupid Media who shape the country as a barking mad carnival, whipping up hysteria for every armed showdown.
Now an accused Knuckle Dragger and confirmed cat owner, James Alex Fields, has entered the haunted American lexicon of having three names: Lee Harvey Oswald. James Earl Ray. Son of Sam — whatever.
James Alex Fields stands accused of ramming his beloved muscle car into a crowded street during a showdown between the two sides excessively hyped by the Stupid Media.
Now was this a planned attack aimed at maximizing the elimination of as many Neanderthals as possible? Or was it Brass Knuckle Dragger road rage sparked by somebody kicking or throwing something at his muscle car?
My experience with drivers of Dodge Chargers is that they are prone to road rage. And high rates of speed. Who knows, maybe it was a pre-conceived, carefully thought out attack aimed at maximum annihilation of Neanderthals. But the “I’m White and I’m Proud Brass Knuckle Draggers” aren’t known for being particularly sharp. But then again, neither are the “Obliterate History Neanderthals” and their self-styled “antifa” moniker.
The real question is why the Stupid Media gives these loudmouth malcontents so much free airtime.
The Neanderthals have worked so hard in President Obama’s “postracial” America to expand the meaning of “racism” so as to include so many stupid and innocuous things that it is hard to keep track of what exactly is “racist” anymore.
You’re a cop? Racist. A black cop? A racist racist. You’re white? Lord, help you.
After the mayhem Saturday, the Stupid Media descended upon the mother of James Alex Fields and cornered her in her garage for one of the most bizarre — though strangely illuminating — press conferences in Stupid Media history.
“I just knew he was going to a rally,” she explained. “I mean, I try to stay out of his political views.”
Stupid Media tells her it was a Brass Knuckle Dragger rally.
“I thought it had something to do with Trump,” she replied, hesitantly. “Trump’s not a white supremacist.”
Trying to be helpful, the mother of James Alex Fields then offers: “I just know there was — he did mention it was ‘Albright.’”
“Alt-right,” a member of the Stupid Media corrects her, though it is not clear that the Stupid Media was present when James Alex Fields told his mother about the “Albright rally” he was attending.
She confirms for the Stupid Media: “Albright.” Stupid Media strikes back again: “No, alt-right. It’s like alternative right.”
Again, not clear if Stupid Media was present when James Alex Fields discussed his plans to attend this Albright conference.
Who knew Madeleine Albright was a “white nationalist”?
Anyway, as the gaggle of Stupid Media buzzards poked their bald heads in her open garage, the mother of James Alex Fields was clearly confused by everything she was learning about her “white nationalist” son.
“He had an African-American friend, so — ” her voice trailed off, hoping the assembled Stupid Media would get the point.
Well, she stuck the landing with “African-American,” then immediately walked into an airplane propeller by excusing her son on the virtue that he had a black friend. Every enlightened person knows there is nothing more racist than notifying others that you have a black friend.
But what exactly is this so-called “alt-right” the Stupid Media keeps talking about? Best I can gather, it’s racists who are not totally racist. Or not as racist as “white nationalists.” Or, maybe, it’s racists who like black people. Or maybe it is just people who voted for Donald Trump. Who knew Mr. Obama’s “postracial” America would be so damned confusing?
In her defense, the mother of James Alex Fields did not appear exactly proud of her offspring’s behavior, even before Saturday’s madness.
“I don’t really get too involved,” she explained. “I moved him out to his own apartment.”
Good news here is that there is life after grown children living in your basement. Bad news is you may still be paying for them.
Desperate to fetch some good from the awkward situation with hungry buzzards staring into her garage, she offers: “I’m watching his cat.”
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter, @charleshurt.