Oh, the mad genius of Donald Trump!
On the cusp of one of the biggest victories of his administration, cracking down on illegal aliens who commit vicious crimes inside our country, President Trump took to Twitter.
“I heard poorly rated @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don’t watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year’s Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!”
The only thing missing from this electronic presidential address was the Marine Band playing “Hail to the Chief.”
She was bleeding badly. Face-lift. Low I.Q. Psycho Joe.
It is all so delicious. Mercilessly inventive. Joyously vicious. Like an entire season of pro wrestling drama, all sewn up into two little Twitter messages.
The Trump presidency is a little like having a dog. Every day that passes, you love the dog more and more until it seems impossible to love her any more.
But — sadly — every day also brings that nagging dread that one day she will be gone, seven times sooner than she should. What will we do when it is all over? There will never be another dog like her (sad face).
Of course, the puritanical schoolmarms of the political press went absolutely bonkers over Mr. Trump’s broadside of their fellow travelers. They scolded him that his Twitter missives were beneath the office of the president.
Really, you mean like molesting an intern in the Oval Office? “Presidential” like that?
MSNBC — the afterthought cable channel that airs “Morning Joe” — responded on Twitter: “It’s a sad day for America when the president spends his time bullying, lying and spewing petty personal attacks instead of doing his job.”
But the funny thing about it is that nobody actually disproved anything that Mr. Trump alleged. Just like Russia and obstruction of justice and everything else, there is not one single shred of evidence that Mr. Trump is not 100 percent in the right.
“The Amazon Post” — the paper-of-record for Never Trumpers — rushed to the defense of Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough with a laughably illogical and twisted explanation.
“The notion that Brzezinski and Scarborough were desperate to hang out with Trump on New Year’s Eve but were rebuffed seems dubious, at best,” reporter Callum Borchers wrote on the paper’s website.
“For one thing, the New York Times spotted the co-hosts at Trump’s New Year’s Eve party at Mar-a-Lago.”
So, wait a minute? The proof that Mr. Trump is lying about Ms. Brzezinski and Mr. Scarborough slumming around Mar-a-Lago around New Year’s Eve is that — well — Ms. Brzezinski and Mr. Scarborough were slumming around Mar-a-Lago around New Year’s Eve?
Oof. Mr. Borchers probably learned this in journalism school. He should have gone to logic school instead.
But the correspondent was still not finished changing diapers for Ms. Brzezinski and Mr. Scarborough.
“For another,” Mr. Borchers writes, “Scarborough followed the report of their appearance [of Brzezinski and Scarborough slumming around Mar-a-Lago around New Year’s Eve] by angrily protesting any suggestion that he and Brzezinski were trying to cozy up to the president-elect.”
Let’s put this in terms the young reporter might understand: O-M-G.
Then Mr. Borchers goes on to accuse Mr. Trump of a “blatantly sexist attack” on Ms. Brzezinski because the president called her “unintelligent.”
Whoa! You mean that accusing someone of being “low I.Q.” is the equivalent of calling them female?
You might want to get a little “woke” to modern times.
Ms. Brzezinski (that would be she of “low I.Q.” and “crazy”), meanwhile, proved herself entirely worthy of Mr. Trump’s tirade by attacking the size of his manhood on Twitter.
I wish I were making that up, but that is what she did.
She posted a picture of a Cheerios box with a small child reaching a tiny finger out for a little toasted Cheerio. The box reads: “Made for Little Hands.”
Such classy people. And they have been a respected part of the establishment for years. Donald Trump just got here.
Oh, one last thing. What about the bloody face-lift? No one seems to be addressing the issue of her traipsing around Mar-a-Lago bleeding from a face-lift.
Either way, Mika, you should ask for your money back.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and on Twitter by @charleshurt.