If you want the best source of all the “fake news you can trust,” then The Babylon Bee is your go-to tabloid.
During my coming-of-age years, The National Lampoon was the intelligent, edgy, satirical publication of choice. Today, now of-age, my satire of choice is The Babylon Bee. The small swarm at the Bee knows how to sting the smug, sensitive, puerile Marxists right in their behind belief system.
The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness by Kyle Mann, Ethan Nicolle, Joel Berry, and Gavin Yee is the definitive instruction manual on how to be an acceptable member of today’s in-vogue, intolerant, self-righteous, and oftentimes violent totalitarian socialites. Subtitled How to Take Your Wokeness to the Next Level by Canceling Friends, Breaking Windows, and Burning It All to the Ground, the Guide to Wokeness has got it all together so that you can shred your world to pieces — in a loving, constructive way, of course.
In the Guide to Wokeness, you’ll learn not only that the most important thing about you “is the color of your skin,” but you’ll discover your inner oppression through essential instruction on intersectionality (huh?) and identity. Yet there’s more, much more!
Besides learning how to fight fascism with violence and how to be offended by everything, you’ll get the true story of American history (spoiler alert, America never was an okay place, like Christopher Columbus carried rosary nunchucks and wore boots “for stomping on the necks of marginalized groups.” Not cool!).
Most importantly, if you’re still one of those sad saps unfamiliar with the woke Jesus, you’ll rise to the good news that in the Gospel of Marx, the Lord punched Nazis and told them “to turn the other cheek for more beating.” He compassionately “put the sick and blind on Obamacare plans.” “Jesus went into an airplane hangar, overturned all the jets, and then demanded high-speed rail instead.” And, who could forget when Jesus held a political rally and “inflamed the masses to seize control of the means of production.”
As our instructive authors emphasize, Woke science, or SCIENCE, is properly addressed in the Guide to Wokeness. And, SCIENCE it is! After all, the popular science sage Neil deGrasse Tyson tweeted earlier this year that “The good thing about Science is that it’s true, whether or not you believe in it.” This science-y religious quote launched the Guide to Wokeness chapter titled “Follow the SCIENCE”: “Hundreds of years ago, people followed religion. Today, we follow SCIENCE, which is smarter and far superior to religion and must replace religion in every corner of society….The divine words of SCIENCE are brought down to us by infallible people in white coats called ‘scientists.’”
Guide to Wokeness helpfully identifies Bad Science and Good SCIENCE. For instance, Bad Science includes “Meteorology: These ‘scientists’ have the hubris to think they can predict the weather days in advance. Plus, meteorology is used to help planes fly safely, which pollutes the atmosphere.” Good SCIENCE embraces “Everything Greta Thunberg says: This divine child of light has been gifted with secret knowledge of what the weather will be like one hundred years from now. Heed her words, or deny them at your peril.”
Skipping all the nonsense about the tentative nature of “true” science, real SCIENCE cuts to the chase and tells you what you must believe to be acceptably woke in today’s hyper-woke, SCIENCE-oriented society.
“A Glossary of Wokeness” rounds out this delightful tongue-in-cheek tirade. Eschewing obfuscation, wokey terms often confused with meaningfulness are clearly defined. Like:
- “Abolitionism – The noble movement to remove all police protection from urban communities and replace them with unarmed antiracist interpretive dancers.”
- “Antifascism – The act of beating people senseless with bike locks to defeat fascism.”
- “Climate Justice – The act of living in mud huts and eating bugs until the cancer of humanity is extinguished and Mother Gaia can live on. Also, any tax can be considered climate justice.”
- “Marxism – The greatest philosophy ever invented. Some say it has resulted in mass death and famine, but that’s only because true Marxism has never been tried.”
- “SCIENCE – The grand, majestic deity that holds the world together, whose TRUTH is administered by a priesthood of infallible scientists, and whose precepts we will follow with the faith of a child. BLESSED BE THE NAME OF SCIENCE.”
- “Truth – An ancient myth from way back in the year 2019. People used to think there were ‘facts’ we could all agree on. But no longer.”
To indulge in serious humor, buy this book. There is so much to learn. Study the book’s content. Practice its precepts. Preach its gospel. Attend a mostly-peaceful protest. Be Woke. Otherwise, sleep (not recommended) on the wrong side of history.
• Anthony J. Sadar, a Certified Consulting Meteorologist, is an adjunct associate professor at Geneva College, Beaver Falls, PA and co-authored Environmental Risk Communication: Principles and Practices for Industry, 2nd Edition (CRC Press, 2021).
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The Babylon Bee Guide to Wokeness
Salem Books, November 2, 2021, $19.99, 208 pages