Loose praise sinks kids

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Mitchell Kalman of Fairfax County coaches a select team of 11-and-younger basketball players. When the season ends, he does not hand out trophies rewarding the boys for participating. After all, by that age, young athletes -- Mr. Kalman's son included -- have shelves full of certificates, ribbons and other awards that say, "Good job."

Instead, Mr. Kalman gives each boy a copy of the book "Values of the Game" by basketball great and former U.S. Sen. Bill Bradley. Ideally, the boys have gained confidence and a self-esteem boost by playing the season, winning and losing, cooperating and improving. Handing out another trophy isn't going to mean all that much, Mr. Kalman says.

"Up until about the third grade, I think it is OK to give out participation awards," he says. "After that, I think they should get something, but not necessarily another trophy. A book, I think, is going to mean more than a drawer full of ribbons, which after a while doesn't mean anything."

Mr. Kalman and many other coaches, parents and teachers are catching on to the idea that too much praise can do as much harm as good. In the past several decades, the effort to respect, protect and even puff up children's self-esteem has resulted in a generation of children who expect to win, whose feelings are never hurt and who believe they are the best.

Examples are all around. The school gives out stickers that say, "I am special." Some children get "big brother" presents on their siblings' birthdays.

Such sayings as "You're all winners" and "There are no losers" are not only misleading, they are making children feel worse instead of better, says Charles H. Elliott, a New Mexico psychologist and co-author of the book "Hollow Kids: Recapturing the Soul of a Generation Lost to the Self-Esteem Myth."

"When you try to pump kids up to feel good all the time, you are teaching them to become self-absorbed," Mr. Elliott says. "It is the antithesis of what you are trying to accomplish. Praising a behavior you would like to see repeated is different from lavishing praise and attention on kids no matter what they do in the name of boosting their self-esteem.

"As with everything else in life, you can overdo a good thing," he says. "Praise loses its meaning when it is tossed around like confetti. Some parents virtually follow their kids around the playground, complimenting them on their teeter-tottering."

How did we get here?