Flip-flop hip-hopper

For a year or so now, I’ve been waking to a ton of e-mails each morning with the subject marked “Bush lied” — or, to be more precise, “Bush lied” followed by multiple exclamation points.

I’m not one who thinks it helpful to characterize a policy difference as a “lie.” So, when John Kerry says he supports the Kyoto Treaty even though he voted for a bill that declared the United States would never ever ratify it, that doesn’t mean he’s a “liar,” it just means that … well, to be honest, I haven’t a clue what it means. You better to take it up with him, now he’s out of the hospital after elective surgery.

“Elective surgery” means you vote to have the operation, and then spend the next year insisting you’ve always been strongly opposed to the operation.

Anyway, as I said, I wouldn’t call Mr. Kerry a liar. But I did get the vague feeling in the following exchange that, if it had gone on a minute or two longer, the candidate’s nose would have cracked my TV screen, extended across the coffee table and pinned me to the wall.

The time —last week; the place — MTV. The interviewer asks: “Well, we know that you were into rock ‘n’ roll when you were in high school, and we know that you play the guitar now. Are there any trends out there in music, or even in popular culture in general, that have piqued your interest?”

“Oh sure. I follow and I’m interested,” says John Kerry. “I’m fascinated by rap and by hip-hop. I think there’s a lot of poetry in it. There’s a lot of anger, a lot of social energy in it. And I think you’d better listen to it pretty carefully, ‘cause it’s important. … I’m still listening because I know that it’s a reflection of the street and it’s a reflection of life.”

Really? You’re “fascinated” by rap and “listening” to hip-hop? You’re America’s first flip-flopper hip-hopper?

The best riposte to Mr. Kerry came from an encounter a few years ago between his predecessor Al Gore and Courtney Love, lead singer of the popular beat combo Hole, when they chanced to run into each other at a Hollywood Democratic party night.

“I’m a really big fan,” gushed the vice president.

“Yeah, right. Name a song,” scoffed Miss Love. The panicked vice panderer floundered helplessly. Fortunately, his Secret Service guys moved in before he wound up completely riddled by Hole. As wise old campaign consultants always say, the politician’s First Rule of Holes is: When you’re in one, stop digging. Al introduced us to a Second Rule: When you’re with one, stop pretending to dig her.

If only that MTV guy had said to Mr. Kerry, “Yeah, right. Name a song.” Think Mr. Kerry could have? Reckon if you bust into his pad and riffled through his and Teresa’s CD collection you’d find a single rap album? Of course, you wouldn’t find any in George and Laura’s CD collection either. The difference is President Bush doesn’t feel the need to pretend.

Margaret Thatcher didn’t either. Interviewed by disc-jockeys on London radio stations and invited to name her favorite pop song, she would choose the Beverly Sisters’ British cover version of “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?” or the Australian didgeridoo virtuoso Rolf Harris’ “Two Little Boys.” The title of “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?” is the very definition of compassionate conservatism — the vocalist’s compassion for the confined puppy shrewdly tempered by cost-benefit analysis. As for “Two Little Boys,” that was written in 1902 and seemed kinda hokey even then:

Two Little Boys

Had two little toys

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