- The Washington Times - Friday, December 31, 2004

Put down the needle. No need for flaxseed oil. In terms of sheer sports dubiousness, 2004 clearly creamed every year before it, as surely as Barry Bonds smashed the single-season home run record hepped up on nothing more than hard work and Flintstones vitamins.

Janet Jackson demonstrated the latest in body piercing. Jason Giambi dropped a few pounds. Ron Artest took some time off to promote his album. And O.J. Simpson finally relented in his one-man mission to catch the real killers, the better to unwind with some low-cost satellite television.

It was ridiculous. It was ignominious. It was, with eternal apologies to Esquire magazine, nothing short of dubious:

Surprise: I did it!

O.J. Simpson announced plans for “Juiced,” a hidden-camera prank show along the lines of MTV’s “Punk’d.”

Big deal. It’s not like he killed someone

DirecTV sued Simpson for pirating its broadcast signals.

Another Dan Rather setup

In a television interview, Simpson said he holds the news media responsible for persuading a majority of the public that he was guilty of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman.

However, he still watches “CSI”

Simpson also said he’s too busy raising his children to put much effort into catching the real killers.

Hey, greens fees aren’t cheap

After Simpson’s lawyer said he continues to receive new tips every week, Simpson added that he can’t afford to pursue them.

Well, that and two dead bodies

Said Simpson: “If there’s a negative legacy I have, it’s all of those damned court shows on TV.”

And to think we were busy watching the Lingerie Bowl

Janet Jackson bared her breast during the Super Bowl halftime show.

Donald Rumsfeld immediately offered him a job

A Jackson spokesman called the incident “a malfunction of the wardrobe.”

Speaking of breast-baring wardrobe malfunctions

The Super Bowl’s second-half kickoff was delayed by a British streaker wearing a G-string, socks and shoes.

Er, Mr. Chatham? Justin Timberlake is over there

The streaker was tackled hard by New England linebacker Matt Chatham.

Also, it was JC Chasez

Worried about the choreography for the song “Blowing Me Up [With Her Love],” the NFL canceled a Pro Bowl halftime show starring former Timberlake bandmate JC Chasez.

Ahem! Do I look like Janet Jackson?

Tennis star Anastasia Myskina sued GQ magazine for not preventing topless shots of her from being sold to a Russian magazine.

Alternately, they could try nipple rings

FIFA president Sepp Blatter said women soccer players could bring attention to the sport by wearing “tighter shorts.”

Relax, the FCC won’t mind

Plans reportedly were under way for a ThoroughBreast Racing League, that would allow betting on races with topless women in Las Vegas.

ThoroughBreast Racing was forced to recall 200,000 promotional CDs containing a picture of a clothed rugby player

The Australian Football League was forced to recall more than 200,000 promotional CD-ROMs containing a picture of a topless woman.

And with the first pick in the ThoroughBreast Racing draft

American high jumper Amy Acuff and Canadian runner Katie Vermeulen posed nude for Playboy.

Plus boobs and butts

Said Vermeulen: “It’s not about boobs and butts. It’s about strength and beauty and women who are posing to represent their strength and courage in the sport.”

Otherwise, he’s a model citizen

Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest was benched for two games after asking for time off because of a busy schedule that included promoting his upcoming rap album.

To promote his rap album, of course

Benched after receiving a technical foul, Toronto Raptors guard Rafer Alston said he “might take some time off” from basketball.

Giving Dan Abrams even more time to talk about Scott Peterson

Sexual assault charges against Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant were dropped when his accuser decided not to go through with a trial.

Um, wouldn’t that make it rape?

In a written apology, Bryant said of his accuser, “After months of reviewing discovery, listening to her attorney and even her testimony in person, I now understand how she feels that she did not consent to this encounter.”

The man knows an inappropriate sexual advance when he sees one

Bryant accused teammate Karl Malone of hitting on his wife.

Even worse, you’ve been name-dropped on a Shaquille O’Neal rap album

Former teammate Shaquille O’Neal took a swipe at Bryant on his latest rap album, saying: “… even if you get me traded, wherever I’m at, I’m Puffy, you Mase and you’re still hated.”

Agreements with Planned Parenthood and Viagra are pending

Golfer John Daly signed endorsement deals with Trimspa and Dunkin’ Donuts.

Promise we’ll care. Soon as this World Series of Poker rerun is over

NHL owners locked out players, suspending play for the season.

Actually, this has nothing to do with the NBA

St. Louis Blues forward Mike Danton was charged in a murder-for-hire plot.

Actually, this has nothing to do with the Red Sox

Ohio Dominican, a 93-year-old NAIA school, sold UNDEFEATED SINCE 1911 T-shirts for its football team.

Washington Nationals: Undefeated since 2005

The Ohio Dominican football team began play this season.

You can put a price on memories. Bidding starts at $19.99

Former Nebraska running back Lawrence Phillips sold one of his Big Eight championship rings for $20 in a Las Vegas pawnshop.

Economics? Not his major

The same ring was sold for $1,700 on EBay.

Gold medalists also received fabric softener and a free cup of detergent

Kenya announced plans to give each of the country’s Olympic bronze medalists a free washing machine.

Kenyan Olympians never have this problem

St. Louis pitcher Julian Tavarez was ejected from a game for wearing a dirty hat.

4.9 million Happy Meals only go so far

Minnesota Timberwolves guard Latrell Sprewell, who will earn $14.6 million this year, said he needed a large contract extension in order to “feed his family.”

Sprewell family stocking stuffer

The Eastbay catalog offered a diamond-studded pair of Allen Iverson basketball shoes for $65,000.

Mr. Met included

Anna Benson, the wife of New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson, threatened to sleep with her husband’s entire team “coaches, trainers, players” if he cheats on her.

He hopes to sign with the Mets

The Colorado Rockies cut pitcher Denny Neagle after he was arrested on charges of soliciting a prostitute.

Essay question: What is your favorite color?

The final exam in former Georgia assistant men’s basketball coach Jim Harrick Jr.’s Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball class contained questions such as, “how many goals are on a basketball court?” and “how many points does a 3-point field goal account for?”

North Korea also reports that Jason Giambi only lost four pounds

According to the North Korean government, leader Kim Jong II shot a 38 under in his first 18-hole round of golf, including five holes-in-one.

Big deal. Kim Jong II ate 134

Competitive eating champ Takeru Kobayashi downed 69 hamburgers in eight minutes.

In 30 years, Ron Artest stands to make a lot of money

An autographed photo of Juan Marichal hitting Johnny Roseboro on the head with a bat in 1965 was selling online for $499.

And that was just the Opening Ceremony

Terrye Jackson of Springdale, Md., set a world record for longest continuous television-viewing session by watching 50 hours and seven minutes of NBC’s Olympic coverage.

Nice tip

A Dutch rower left a silver medal in the back of an Athens taxi.

Dude, there’s something shiny under the keg!

A Chilean tennis player departed Athens without two gold medals, both found in a dorm room.

Found luggage? Rules out US Airways

The Stanley Cup was lost on the way to Tampa, then recovered at the Vancouver airport baggage claim.

Lollygaggers

New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin fined three players for being early to a team meeting.

Oddly enough, Tom Coughlin coaches the Giants

Carolina Panthers running back Rod Smart was fined for missing practice because he was with his family in Florida during Hurricane Jeanne.

Wait Keyshawn said something stupid?

Dallas Cowboys receiver Keyshawn Johnson called former Tampa Bay Buccaneers teammate Ronde Barber an “Uncle Tom.”

Especially if she wears a schoolgirl skirt

Johnson said he wanted to spank FOX sideline reporter Pam Oliver.

He thought it was Pam Oliver

The Burrito Bomber, a local Tex-Mex restaurant mascot, was suspended after spanking a referee at a University of Texas-El Paso basketball game.

Jerry Maguire never would have let this happen

After the agent for then-San Francisco wide receiver Terrell Owens missed a deadline to file for free agency, the 49ers traded Owens to Baltimore despite the receiver’s in-place deal with Philadelphia.

Kyle Boller. Donovan McNabb. One of these things is not like the other

Owens filed a grievance, ultimately ending up with the Eagles.

We’re even sorrier for all the free publicity

ABC apologized for a pre-“Monday Night Football” sketch that saw barebacked B-list actress Nicollette Sheridan drop a towel, then leap into Owens’ arms.

Sounds like an ABC “Monday Night Football” intro

The bisexual former assistant to the wife of David Beckham accused the English soccer star of having an affair with her.

He also has a funny feeling about those “Queer Eye” guys

In a Playboy magazine interview, Owens insinuated that former teammate Jeff Garcia was gay.

Nothing gay about that

Owens posed for GQ magazine slathered in oil and half-covered by a toga.

Beard fight!

Garica reportedly dated Playboy Playmate of the Year Carmella DeCesare, who was charged with assault following a bar brawl with Garcia’s ex-girlfriend, Kristen Hine.

She couldn’t find a metal folding chair

DeCesare, a finalist in the WWE’s “Diva Search,” reportedly kicked Hine in the head.

You know, like Jeff Garcia

A Nigerian soccer official said that national team players who braided their hair and wore earrings had “a sense of homosexuality.”

He doesn’t even braid his hair

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Mike Vick went on talk radio to debunk a fake Internet story claiming he was gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that

Cleveland Indians minor league pitcher Kazuhito Tadano held a press conference asking for forgiveness for appearing in a gay porn video while attending college in Japan.

“And to prove it, I’m dating a crazy Playmate”

Through an interpreter, Tadano added: “I’m not gay. I’d like to clear that fact up right now.”

You know, like Kazuhito Tadano’s video

In a deposition taken as part of his lawsuit against a woman named Alexandra Castro, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling described their relationship as “purely sex for money, money for sex, sex for money, money for sex.”

Skate or Die!

Former NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich, 35, was arrested for “skateboarding in a prohibited area.”

Also prohibited

Marinovich reportedly had metamphetamine and three syringes.

Up In Smoke

Rumored to have failed a third drug test for marijuana, Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams retired.

Someday, hopes to run a successful glaucoma practice

Williams enrolled in a small California college to study Ayurveda, an ancient Indian system of holistic medicine.

She was coming from Ayurveda study hall

A high school softball player in Ohio was cited for marijuana possession after a bag of pot fell from her glove as she took the field.

A bag of pot fell from his hair

Former Washington Wizards forward Christian Laettner was suspended five games for violating the NBA’s substance abuse policy.

Who knew Ricky and ‘Melo were tight?

Marijuana charges against Denver Nuggets forward Carmelo Anthony were dropped after a friend claimed the drugs found in Anthony’s luggage belonged to him.

Dime bags? Good. Dropping dimes? Bad

Anthony appeared on an underground DVD that featured threats against police informants.

Williams then announced plans for a hidden-camera prank show modeled after MTV’s “Punk’d.”

Former NBA star Jayson Williams was found not guilty on charges of aggravated manslaughter and aggravated assault in the shooting death of his limo driver.

Jayson Williams? He wouldn’t hurt a fly!

A Newark chapter of the SPCA was ordered to close because it did not prosecute Williams for accusations that he shot and killed his dog in anger over losing a $100 bet with teammate Dwayne Schintzius.

“Next to drive my limo, that is”

Williams reportedly pointed his shotgun at Schintzius and told him to clean up the dog’s remains, “or you’re next.”

Heck, it’s less painful than listening to Tony Robbins

Jacksonville Jaguars lineman John Henderson reportedly gets pumped up for games by having Jaguars trainer Joe Sheehan slap him in the face.

Finishing just ahead of “Joey”

John McEnroe’s short-lived cable talk show placed 833 out of 834 shows in the Nielsen rankings.

That Reebok logo is plenty patriotic

The NFL prohibited Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer from wearing a helmet sticker honoring former teammate Pat Tillman, who was killed while serving as an Army Ranger in Afghanistan.

Poaching: Not just for eggs

New York Yankees outfielder Gary Sheffield accused San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds of stealing his private chef with an offer of a car, a place to live and the payment of student loans.

Statue of Liberty? Lincoln Memorial? Mount Rushmore? All white

Bonds claimed that no monuments are built in honor of blacks.

Oops

A statue of Bonds’ godfather, Willie Mays, stands outside the San Francisco Giants’ ballpark.

And the home of the ouch!

San Diego Padres outfielder Ryan Klesko missed six games after straining his right oblique muscle while standing up for the national anthem.

Like Mom always said: Oversleeping isn’t healthy

Oakland A’s pitcher Rich Harden missed 10 days in spring training after straining his left shoulder while reaching for his alarm clock.

At least the hiccups didn’t give him a torn ACL

Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa injured his back while sneezing.

She blamed the headache on sneezing while reaching for the alarm clock during the national anthem

Serena Williams blamed a headache for her poor play in a loss at the Generali Open.

Which gave him a headache

An Italian national soccer team defender blamed his poor performance on coarse socks.

We know

Williams wore a T-shirt reading I ME to a press conference.

He double parking

Philadelphia 76ers guard Allen Iverson reportedly owed the city of Philadelphia $1,700 in unpaid parking tickets.

We’re not No. 1!

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays celebrated their fourth place AL East finish with a clubhouse champagne toast.

They promptly held a champagne toast

The U.S. national cricket team lost to New Zealand by 210 runs, New Zealand’s largest-ever margin of victory.

How about those Boston Crimson Stockings?

John Kerry called Boston Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez “Manny Ortez” and Green Bay’s Lambeau Field “Lambert Field.”

First order of business: gain 200 pounds

Russian tennis star Yevgeny Kafelnikov quit the ATP to become a professional poker player.

Darn

Rap mogul P. Diddy challenged Hulk Hogan to a $1 million wrestling match, then backed out.

Apparently, Candlebox and Better than Ezra were already booked

Tiger Woods had Hootie and the Blowfish perform at his wedding.

They also were cited for bad taste in music

A honeymooning Woods and his wife were detained by the Coast Guard, then turned away from the port of San Juan for failing to notify authorities of their arrival.

Along with Tiger’s IPod

When a golf fan took a shot of Woods in mid-swing, caddy Steve Williams snatched the spectator’s camera and threw it into a pond.

In related news, the NFL plans to boot the Washington Redskins

The Big East plans to kick Temple out of its football conference for failing to be competitive.

Hey, is this thing on?

After winning the coin toss to begin overtime in a Seattle-Green Bay playoff game, Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck told the official, “We want the ball, and we’re going to score.”

He was right about the scoring part

On Seattle’s ensuing possession, Hasselbeck tossed an interception to Packers cornerback Al Harris, who ran it back for a game-winning touchdown.

No-hand touch

During a playoff victory, Indianapolis Colts receiver Marvin Harrison fell to the turf after catching a pass, then got up and ran for a score after four nearby Denver defenders forgot to touch him down.

Lesson No. 1: Don’t be annoying like me

Jaleel White, the actor who played Erkel on the show “Family Matters,” gave teenage D.C. United striker Freddy Adu advice on growing up famous.

Say it ain’t so!

After 14 years of denials, Pete Rose admitted he bet on baseball while managing the Cincinnati Reds.

A little contrition goes a long way

Pete Rose was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

Come to think of it, “Father of the Pride” was pretty lousy

A former Oakland Raiders kicker was wanted in a drive-by shooting at the home of Las Vegas entertainers Sigfried and Roy.

Pity

No one was hurt in the shooting.

You’d drink too, if your entire wardrobe consisted of black mock turtlenecks

Cincinnati basketball coach Bob Huggins was arrested for drunk driving.

He was on his way home from a Sigfried and Roy show

According to the arrest report, Huggins’ car had vomit on its driver’s side door.

Bodyguard: a person or group of persons, usually armed, responsible for the safety of one or more other persons

Former Atlanta Braves center fielder Otis Nixon was arrested after supposedly threatening his bodyguard with a knife.

Right after I put on some pants!

According to police, a naked Nixon ran out of his hotel room brandishing a knife and yelling, “I will cut your heart out!”

Because soccer isn’t low-scoring enough

A team doctor advised players on the German national soccer squad to refrain from sex before a match in the Euro 2004 tournament.

Really, it’s almost as fun

The doctor suggested drinking water instead.

Funny, Ljundberg doesn’t sound German

Soccer star Freddie Ljunberg told the BBC he wouldn’t be engaging in pre-match sex anymore, noting “my feet got numb and I wasn’t as aggressive on the pitch if I’d had sex.”

Their feet were getting numb

Four members of the Chinese national table tennis team were expelled from training for engaging in intrasquad romances.

Didn’t George Shinn move to New Orleans?

Customers who dialed the phone number in a Charlotte Bobcats ad instead were connected to a phone sex line.

“Try drinking water instead”

A Bobcats team spokesman “apologized to any of our fans who have been inconvenienced by this.”

Concession stand bottled water sales went through the roof

A Pennsylvania Catholic high school ran an ad for exotic dancers in the program for its girls’ basketball team.

Venus and Pluto are still up for grabs

Little League Baseball granted Northern Virginia’s District 4 sole jurisdiction over any player produced by the planet Mars.

We smell ESPY

Florida A&M self-reported 196 NCAA violations.

But in 2031, you’re free to hand out as many fake jobs and phony car loans as you like

A University of Kentucky football booster who was cited in three NCAA violation reports over a nine-month span was banned from involvement with the school’s athletics program for 27 years.

He promptly enrolled at Kentucky

Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett accused coaches and boosters of arranging for him to get improper benefits, including passing grades, cars and thousands of dollars.

What, Maurice Clarett couldn’t loan him a few bucks?

Ohio State running back Lydell Ross was suspended for supposedly using counterfeit in-house currency at a local strip club.

Lydell Ross was heartbroken

The Orlando Predators arena football team canceled a promotion that would have awarded $500 and a keg of beer to the fan who brought the best inflatable doll to a game.

Like a keg, only without the beer. Also, it helps if you’re dead

The Class A Dayton Cubs planned to give away a funeral as part of a promotion.

More than 60 minutes? Free funeral!

Detroit Medical Center promised a pair of Tigers tickets to any patients who waited more than 30 minutes in the emergency room.

The full article? “Getting the Most Out of Minor League Baseball Promotions”

Britain’s top hiking magazine mistakenly published directions that would lead climbers to fall off Scotland’s tallest peak.

This is hockey, not basketball

Minor league hockey player James Wisniewski was suspended for five games after refusing to fight Slovakian opponent Stefan Ruzicka.

Pesos and Yen? Let’s drop gloves

The suspension stemmed from Wisniewski saying he doesn’t fight “Euros.”

Turns out they were striking U.S. national team players

A group of impostors claiming to be the visiting El Salvador soccer team played Zimbabwe to a 0-0 tie.

For the last time: Get this man a reality show

Boxer Mike Tyson jumped on, then pounded a car hood outside an Arizona nightclub.

Field trip!

Northern Arizona University basketball player Adrian Hayes was arrested by police while attending his criminal justice class.

“I meant to say ‘slant-eyed yellow peril plays.’ My bad”

Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells apologized for calling his team’s surprise plays “Jap plays.”

You mean Asians?

Said Parcells: “No disrespect to the Orientals.”

Except for that Lance Armstong guy. And maybe Peyton Manning

Larry Bird said the NBA needs more white stars to excite white fans, adding, “It is a black man’s game … the greatest athletes in the world are African-Americans.”

Then again, he did play with Danny Ainge

Bird added he “really got irritated” when a white player guarded him.

Take it from a white guy who starred on a 2-8 team

Former Notre Dame running back and Heisman Trophy winner Paul Hornung said the school should lower its academic admission standards to attract black athletes, adding, “We must get the black athlete if we’re going to compete.”

WWJD? Throw fewer interceptions

Former St. Louis quarterback Kurt Warner implied that his religious beliefs led to his benching.

Chivalry lives

After being cut from “The Bachelorette,” minor league baseball player Justin Sherrod mused, “I just wasn’t attracted to her enough to even come up with a good lie.”

Securing the all-important Fat Carnival Barker vote

Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman announced that he had received an endorsement from Chris Berman.

Thereby preparing for married life

After exchanging vows in a St. Petersburg boxing ring, Russian fighters Nikolai Kibkalo and Natalya Karpovich put on gloves and sparred.

Why hasn’t the NBA thought of this?

An Australian soccer team obtained sponsorship from a local brothel.

Again, why hasn’t the NBA thought of this?

The ATP’s Madrid tournament replaced ballboys with fashion models.

Yeah, baby!

A London fitness club offered “the Shag Workout,” a regime designed to “increase the frequency, intensity and quality” of participant’s orgasms.

The “hands-on” part seems sort of obvious

Said the workout’s creator: “There is now a proven, embarrassment-free way to improve your sex life through hands-on coaching.”

Good thing he had a copy of Maxim

Minor leaguer Jeff Liefer forced a 20-minute delay in a Class AAA game by getting locked in a dugout bathroom.

Too late

Said Liefer: “I don’t want to be remembered as the guy who got stuck in the bathroom.”

This way, he never gets locked in the clubhouse bathroom

Chicago Cubs outfielder Moises Alou revealed that during baseball season, he urinates on his hands to toughen them up.

Mental note: Avoid Argentinean milk cartons

Argentinean police reportedly were looking for a missing plastic penis belonging to former soccer star Diego Maradona.

And also toughen his hands

Maradona kept the plastic appendage filled with clean urine to pass drug tests while playing in Italy.

From the Linda Cropp legislative tactics handbook

A Dutch soccer team banned a male fan after he intentionally posed for a picture with the town’s mayor with his genitals hanging out.

That wasn’t a fan that was Argentinean police!

Belgian soccer referee Jacky Temmerman quit his job after a fan ran onto the pitch and pulled down Temmerman’s shorts.

“Such as this Dutch guy who wants to take a picture”

Said Temmerman: “They can look for another idiot who is prepared to stand with his ass naked for 20 Euros a game.”

No plastic here

Indiana Pacers equipment manager Joseph Qatato was arrested for fondling himself in front of the window of his Birmingham, Mich. hotel suite.

Beating us to the punch line

Said Birmingham Police Chief Richard Patterson: “Apparently he was proud of his equipment. He wanted to show it off.”

“Officer, have you ever heard of the Shag Workout?”

Michigan defensive lineman Larry Harrison Jr. was arrested for fondling himself outside the residence of five female students.

Not exactly a plastic penis. But it’ll do

The Phillie Phanatic’s head was stolen at a charity auction.

Some of us don’t have the luxury of stealing mascot heads from charity auctions, OK?

William Jeffrey Hawkins, 39, was charged with battery and disorderly intoxication after putting Orlando Magic mascot Stuff the Magic Dragon in a choke hold.

That’s two more shots than Michael Olowokandi

Police needed three stun gun shots to subdue the 6-foot-2, 240-pound Hawkins.

That’s two more hits than Chris Gaines

Garth Brooks singled off Seattle’s Mike Myers for his second hit in 42 career spring training at-bats.

Come for the crashes! Stay for the graceful artistry!

A Roanoke, Va., theater premiered “NASCAR Ballet,” in which dancers whirled around a 40-foot oval track, occasionally colliding with each other.

Too bad the NFL’s new contact rules only apply to wide receivers

After fleeing an attempted arrest, New England cornerback Ty Law told police not to touch him because he is a professional athlete.

On the plus side, nobody threw a plastic cup

Texas Tech coach Bob Knight was reprimanded after getting into a verbal confrontation with university chancellor David Smith at a grocery store salad bar.

HDTV Endorsement of the Year

Then-Dallas Mavericks forward Antawn Jamison, after a regular-season victory over Detroit: “That was like a playoff game. And I know what those look like. I’ve watched a lot of them.”

Sportsmen of the Year

Four players were kicked out of the Paralympic soccer semifinals following a brawl between archrivals Brazil and Argentina.

Sports, er, woman of the Year

A transsexual golfer qualified for the Ladies European Tour.

Coach of the Year

The basketball coach at a New Jersey middle school gave a crybaby award to a 13-year-old player at a team banquet.

Student-Athlete of the Year

The Michigan High School Athletic Association declared Sacramento Kings forward Chris Webber ineligible to play prep ball because of his relationship with a former University of Michigan booster.

Real Estate Transaction of the Year

Dennis Rodman sold his Newport Beach home because his neighbors partied too much.

Quote of the Year

NBA journeyman Anthony Goldwire, on playing for his fifth NBA team: “I just take things one 10-day [contract] at a time.”

Insurance Claim of the Year

An English cricket club lost $110,000 of tools and lawnmowers after a burning rabbit set their storage shed on fire.

Joyride of the Year

Two men — one blind, one drunk — in Peachtree City, Ga., were charged with reckless conduct after driving a golf cart two miles through city streets.

And finally

The blind man drove while the drunk man gave directions.

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