Wedlock: The key

Andre Javier and Melissa Barry of the District are planning a June wedding. They will have the ceremony at the Shrine of the Sacred Heart in Northwest and the reception at a hotel near Dupont Circle. About 200

friends and relatives are expected to be with them on that day.

Mr. Javier, 28, and Miss Barry, 31, have big plans for after the wedding, too. They have put careful and time-consuming thought into their marriage. Their preparation has included attending the Catholic Church’s Engaged Encounter weekend as well as two private retreats during which they discussed their hopes and dreams for a long life together.

They have discussed how they will communicate if conflict arises and how they will incorporate traditions and values from their families of origin. They have talked about where they will live, how they will contribute to the community and whether or not to have children.

“We went into [marriage preparation] very open,” Mr. Javier says. “It has equipped us with more tools for marriage. We have learned about life as a couple, about how when something happens we shouldn’t think, ‘Something is wrong with our marriage.’ We’re learning how to transform conflict into something greater.”

Preparing for marriage — and not just a wedding — is important in ensuring husband and wife are on the same page when it comes to the next 50 years or so, says Greg Kuhlman, a psychologist who with his wife, Patricia Schell Kuhlman, runs the nationwide workshop Marriage Success Training.

Putting some sort of discussion, whether formal training or an informal question-and-answer session, on the “to do” list will mean more in the end than what kind of veil the bride wore or what songs the band played.

“When couples are engaged, it is a happy, positive time,” Mr. Kuhlman says. “That is the time when they are least likely to think about difficulties. But it is also the best time to have these discussions — when you have a positive emotional override.”

The path to planning a happy marriage can go through a church, where attendance at such a workshop is often required for couples to be married by the clergy. It also can go through nonsectarian classes such as Mr. Kuhlman’s, in which couples work on communications skills. There also are informal books and questionnaires that couples can pursue on their own.

In several states, including Maryland, couples can earn a marriage license discount if they take a premarital counseling class.

No matter how they go about it, preparation of some type gets couples thinking and talking.

“The more attention paid to marriage, the better,” says Janet Lathan, who with her husband, Jim, counsels couples for Engaged Encounter in the Washington Diocese.

Questions, questions

Questions are at the heart of any marriage preparation. By asking plenty of them ahead of time, couples can see where they agree, see where they differ and prepare to compromise.

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