One’s a monolithic juggernaut bent on universal domination, one ill-gotten acquisition at a time. The other two are the former Soviet Union and the Galactic Empire from “Star Wars.” But which fearsome, loathsome outfit is truly the Evil-est Empire of all? It’s time for a Head-to-Head-to-Head:
Economic system
Yankees: Aggressively capitalist.
USSR: Aggressively communist.
Galactic Empire: Aggressively filling George Lucas’ coffers.
Winner: Yanks. It’s the American way.
Notable first
Yankees: $180million-plus payroll.
USSR: Sputnik, Yuri Gagarin
Galactic Empire: SFX-laden blockbuster with the depth of a comic book.
Winner: Yanks. With that amount of cash, they could send Brian Cashman to Mars. In a Tie Fighter.
Weapons of mass destruction
Yankees: 1-9 on the lineup card.
USSR: Enough SS-19s to turn North America into a giant windshield.
Galactic Empire: Death Star I.
Winner: Yanks. Let’s see Death Star, ICBMs hit for power and average.
Sunny side
Yankees: Jeter-Steinbrenner Visa ads.
USSR: Glasnost and Perestroika.
Galactic Empire: Darth Vader choking — but not killing — another incompetent general.
Winner: Empire. Visa ads played out; “Glasnost” sounds like beef stew.
Inspirational text
Yankees: Steinbrenner’s checkbook.
USSR: Das Kapital.
Galactic Empire: 1,001 Star Wars spinoff “novels.”
Winner: Yanks. Apparently bottomless.
Biggest whiff
Yankees: Drew Henson.
USSR: Afghanistan.
Galactic Empire: “The Phantom Menace.”
Winner: Empire. “Yipeee!”
Fashion quirk
Yankees: Pinstripes.
USSR: That blotch on Gorbachev’s forehead.
Galactic Empire: Wearing plastic helmets 24-7.
Winner: Soviets. Yanks classic; Empire kinky; Gorby inexplicable.
Stickin’ it to a rival
Yankees: Signing A-Rod after Red Sox balked at price.
USSR: Propping up Castro.
Galactic Empire: Striking down Obi-Wan.
Winner: Yanks. Denying Boston not just a job but a way of life.
Fearsome slugger
Yankees: Gary Sheffield.
USSR: Ivan Drago.
Galactic Empire: Imperial Walkers.
Winner: None. Be it bad thumb, Balboa or bungee cords, all can be felled.
Puppet regimes
Yankees: New York media.
USSR: Warsaw Pact.
Galactic Empire: Cloud City.
Winner: Soviets. Brought Czechs, Slovaks together.
Prodigal son
Yankees: David Wells.
USSR: Yakov Smirnoff.
Galactic Empire: Boba Fett.
Winner: Soviets. Can Fett, Wells boast own variety stage show in Branson, Mo.?
Bandwagon fan
Yankees: Hilary Clinton.
USSR: Jane Fonda.
Galactic Empire: Lando Calrissian, after he sold out Han.
Winner: Empire. Billy Dee never backed Viet Cong, flawed national health care system.
Morbid curiosity
Yankees: Monument Park.
USSR: Lenin’s Tomb.
Galactic Empire: Adult costume play at “Star Wars” conventions.
Winner: Empire. Nothing creepier than a 300-pound woman in a Princess Leia “Jedi”-style leather bikini.
Turncoat
Yankees: Roger Clemens.
USSR: Mikhail Baryshnikov.
Galactic Empire: Vader, tossing the Emperor in a really big ditch.
Winner: Yanks. Also backstabbed Red Sox, Blue Jays.
Inadvertently supports
Yankees: Spendthrift teams that dip into the luxury tax pot.
USSR: United States’ military-industrial complex.
Galactic Empire: Production of “Howard the Duck.”
Winner: Empire. Why couldn’t Eisenhower warn us about Lucas’ lame duck?
Curious shrinkage
Yankees: Jason Giambi.
USSR: Post-Cold War breakup.
Galactic Empire: The Imperial Army’s awe-inspiring might, when confronted by Ewoks.
Winner: Yanks. South Beach diet prohibits sugars, BALCO supplements.
Deadly in short bursts
Yankees: Mariano Rivera.
USSR: AK-47.
Galactic Empire: Lucas’ hamfisted dialogue.
Winner: Empire. So brutal, Amnesty International should get involved.
Signature toy
Yankees: Bobbleheads.
USSR: Nesting dolls.
Galactic Empire: Action figures.
Winner: Yanks. Everyone loves bobbleheads. Right?
Trash talk
Yankees: “The magnitude of me.”
USSR: “The dustbin of history.”
Galactic Empire: “If you only knew the power of the Dark Side.”
Winner: Soviets. Of course, they ended up in it.
One shining moment
Yankees: Aaron Boone’s homer.
USSR: Battle of Stalingrad.
Galactic Empire: Vader batting away Han’s blaster fire with the palm of his hand.
Winner: Empire. Total ownage.
All bark, no bite
Yankees: Against Arizona, Anaheim, Florida.
USSR: Cuban Missile Crisis.
Galactic Empire: Death Star II.
Winner: Yanks. And they were supposed to “know how to win.”
Reason to panic
Yankees: “Now on the mound … Josh Beckett.”
USSR: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall.”
Galactic Empire: “Use the force, Luke.”
Winner: None. Bad news is bad news.
Structural weakness
Yankees: Bankrupt pitching.
USSR: Bankrupt economy.
Galactic Empire: Ventilation shafts.
Winner: Empire. Slap some plywood over it, for heaven’s sake!
Surprisingly good at
Yankees: Petty disputes that keep their games off certain cable networks.
USSR: Producing chess champions.
Galactic Empire: Sounding British.
Winner: Yanks. Not an easy thing in the 400-channel era.
Secret shame
Yankees: Don’t win it all every year.
USSR: State-issued toilet paper chafes.
Galactic Empire: Storm troopers can’t shoot straight.
Winner: Empire. Shaquille O’Neal more accurate from the line.
Final tally: Ben Affleck is right! The Yanks are the most evil empire of all, edging out the Galactic Empire 10-9. Nyet to the Russkies! No to the Dark Side! Cower before the pinstripe.
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