Mere mortals behind scenes fail the 'Four'

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The "Spider-Man" movie franchise is becoming a mixed blessing for Marvel Comics. Can any new Marvel superhero meet the expectations set by Spidey, as brought to life for the large screen by director Sam Raimi? Count "Fantastic Four" as the latest tent pole to look shaky by comparison. Had there never been a "Spider-Man," we might have accepted "Fantastic Four's" meandering plot and onion-skin thin characters just to see those cool superpowers. Brainy and broke scientist Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) and his pilot pal Ben Grimm ("The Shield's" Michael Chiklis) hope to travel into space to study the genetic implications of a cosmic storm. Don't ask -- much of the film barrels ahead so swiftly we don't have time to scratch our collective heads.

They convince Reed's college rival Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon), now a Trump-style industrialist, to pick up the tab with the promise he can cash in on their findings. Reed's ex-flame Sue Storm (Jessica Alba, acting with her cleavage) and her hotshot brother Johnny (Chris Evans) come along for the ride.

The cosmic storm changes path mid-flight, dousing their ship with gene-bending radiation. The five escape the storm and return safely to Earth, seemingly none the worse for wear. But the cosmic bath changed their DNA forever, giving each unique powers.

Johnny bursts into flames at will. Sue becomes invisible whenever her emotions boil over. Reed turns his body into Silly Putty. And Ben, poor Ben, has the strength of a small army -- and the body of a brick wall. His rocky exterior, and the craggy actor underneath, gives "Four" some soul. He can't pick up a glass without shattering it in his granite paws, and his fiancee takes one look at him and returns his ring.

Only the blind Alicia (Kerry Washington), Ben's longtime love from the comics, sees his inner beauty.

In a rescue that draws a media crowd, the foursome first use their powers to stop a suicidal man from jumping off a New York City bridge. The freshly christened group then turn their attentions to Victor, whose own cosmic marinade has turned him into the power mad Dr. Doom.

What makes the ink and paper "Fantastic Four" so special is that our heroes don't hide behind secret identities -- they act and react among us. The film opts for a high concept celebrity culture spoof. One of the celluloid "Four"-some pops up on the cover of People magazine, while another enjoys a hero's welcome at a motocross event. But once introduced, the potentially meaty celebrity theme is left undeveloped, like many of the others here.

Dr. Doom's back story strays the furthest from the source material. Mr. McMahon isn't just another handsome bloke, as evidenced by his shrewd turn on FX's "Nip/Tuck." But watching him mutate from Trump to tyrant, alas, is drudgery. Poor Mr. McMahon is obliged to try to look tough while sporting a few metallic fungi on his face.

Director Tim Story, best known for 2002's "Barbershop," deftly re-creates the banter between the foursome but can't convey the wonder their superpowers evoke. Just witness the final reel's battle royal on a supposed Manhattan street: Has ever a stand-in city looked less like the Big Apple? Never mind comparisons to "Spider-Man," the scene pales next to a similar street skirmish in 1980's "Superman II."

"Fantastic Four" surely cost a pretty penny, but what appears on-screen is a cheapened version of what Marvel once touted as "The World's Greatest Comic Magazine."