Misunderestimation?

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News item: President Bush taps John Bolton for U.S. ambassador to the United Nations.

Dear John:

Congratulations on the new gig as the president's top dog (Rottweiler?) at the United Nations. Given the way the liberals have reacted to your appointment, your confirmation hearings are likely to generate more adrenalin than a Fallujah gunfight.

The thought of you representing us at the U.N. is driving the Bush-bashing, French-kissing, Blame-America-First crowd that savaged Condi Rice and Alberto Gonzalez into a frenzy.

John "Sore Loser" Kerry described your nomination as "just about the most inexplicable appointment the president could make." Your appointment confirms their worst fears: They "misunderestimated" George Bush again. He doesn't just want to change the Middle East -- he intends to change the world.

You have plenty of practice dealing with hostile solons, but permit me to offer some friendly advice based on personal experience sitting at that cloth-covered table:

" First, recognize the Senate libs really do hate your guts. They will tell you off-camera "there is nothing personal" in what they say during the "hearing." Don't believe them. You are the only one in the room who has to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To paraphrase Col. Jessup, "They can't handle the truth." But don't let that stop you. If you just tell the truth, Teddy Kennedy's head may finally explode.

" Second, remember, you know much more about the important issues than they do. The senators grilling you will be reading questions written for them by staffers who think themselves the smartest people on Earth. Based on your expertise as the undersecretary of state for arms control and international security, you are the world's expert on the dangerously inept International Atomic Energy Agency. You know far better than anyone on "the Hill" that this so-called U.N. "watchdog" is really a Chihuahua -- headed by Keystone Cop Mohamed ElBaradei, who apparently won't rest until every criminal regime on Earth has the bomb.

" Third, it's the sex thing, John. If you want to see the libs on the raised dais squirm, bring up the sexual malfeasance that infects every level of the United Nations. Remind them that Ruud Lubbers had to resign as high commissioner for refugees under a cloud of stink not seen since the Clinton White House. Tell 'em about the so-called U.N. "peacekeepers" in Congo who rape women and girls as young as 7 and the U.N. general who molested his translator -- a young boy. And then ask the potentates of pork why these blue bonnets who leave destitute refugees with a slew of fatherless children and new diseases should be immune to prosecution.

" Fourth, call 'em as you see 'em, John. The bloated big-wigs attacking you aren't accustomed to plain English. Like the striped-pants-set at the U.N., the senators who give you a hard time are masters at obfuscation -- like calling a tax increase "revenue enhancement." When they try this, remind them about Rwanda where the U.N. failed to act and 800,000 perished, or Kosovo where the tortured remains exhumed from mass graves scream for justice. And then tell the good senators who purport to care about "human rights" that while they delay your appointment, the U.N. has "looked into" the Sudan situation and found that while there have been "crimes against humanity," there's no evidence of a "policy of genocide." Tell your inquisitors who bought Bill Clinton's definition of the word is, that when you get to the U.N., you will call genocide what it is: genocide.

" Fifth, Kofi Annan's corruption. Lots of the guys who don't want you at the U.N. love to be seen on the cocktail circuit with their pal Kofi Annan. Tell Kofi's cronies that their buddy presided over the "Oil-for-Food" scandal -- where billions of dollars to feed Iraqis were instead spent by Saddam to build palaces, purchase weapons and buy off foreign leaders to keep the big, bad United States at bay. They will point out that Paul Volcker has already nailed Kofi's chum, Benon Sevan -- the 30-year U.N. veteran who headed the Oil for Food program. Remind them that Kofi's son Kojo is implicated too. Kofi swears he "didn't know anything" about it all. That didn't work for Martha Stewart or the folks running Enron. It shouldn't work for Kofi.

" Sixth, "Eurocrats" in our Senate will want to know your views on giving Germany a permanent seat, and a "veto," on the Security Council. Counter by suggesting that since "Old Europe" is so fond of a single currency and talking about pulling out of NATO to build their own "EU Intervention Force" a better option would be to give the French "seat" on the Security Council to the EU and require its ambassador to speak Flemish.

" Finally, remember the guys trying to peel your hide are "tax and spend" experts. Ask 'em how the U.N.'s madcap idea of taxing American citizens under their so-called "Millennium Development Goals" will go down with their constituents.

For good measure, tell your well-dressed interrogators that when you get to the U.N. you will do something about that unnatural shade of blue deployed U.N. troops wear. It sticks out like a pink feather boa and screams "put cross hairs here."

John, I haven't been this excited about a U.N. ambassador since the heady days of Jeane Kirkpatrick. Keep your cool in the hearings. Save your best for New York. It should be a fun ride.

Oliver North is a nationally syndicated columnist and founder and honorary chairman of Freedom Alliance.