- The Washington Times - Sunday, May 15, 2005

I’ve got two words for the prospective owners of the Washington Nationals, whoever they might be:

Whizzinator Stadium.

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You’ve heard, I’m sure, about the contraption the Minnesota Vikings’ Onterrio Smith was caught with recently, a faux male sex organ that helps athletes beat drug tests. Just wondering: Does the “Original Whizzinator” come in small, medium and large or is it one-size-fits-all?

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Smith’s attorney, David Cornwell, told the Minneapolis Star Tribune his client “placed the kit in his [traveling] bag and simply forgot about it.”

Reminds me of that episode of “The Practice,” the one in which a severed head winds up in a doctor’s medical bag.

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Major league baseball should have a Whizzinator Player of the Week. The award could go to the guy who had the most sudden and mysterious power surge.

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Worth checking out: baseballmusings.com — a Web site for the seamhead in all of us. Especially entertaining is the feature that allows you to compare pitchers and batters going all the way back to 1974. With a few keystrokes you can find out that, since he joined the Mariners in 2001, Ichiro Suzuki has 140 more hits than anybody else in the majors (through Friday’s games). You also can find out that although Wade Boggs won four American League batting titles from 1985 to ‘89, he still had 12 fewer hits during that stretch than Kirby Puckett (1,066 to Kirby’s 1,078).

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A few other things I learned at baseballmusings.com:

• Victor Zambrano is the wildest pitcher in MLB. Since the beginning of last season, the Devil Rays right-hander has averaged 6.35 walks per nine innings (the most by more than a walk) and hit 22 batters (tying him for first with the Other Zambrano, the Cubs’ Carlos, and the Red Sox’ Bronson Arroyo).

• Since the start of ‘04, the Orioles’ Miguel Tejada has grounded into the most double plays (29). The Nats’ Vinny Castilla is tied for eighth in that department (26). The O’s Brian Roberts, meanwhile, has grounded into the fourth-fewest (five).

• Erstwhile Maryland Terp Eric Milton has served up the most gopher balls (57 in 2442/3 innings with the Phillies).

Be forewarned, though: The site is potentially addictive. I, personally, have begun to look into 10-step programs.

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Former Dallas Cowboy Nate Newton, out of prison after serving 2 years on drug-running charges, told Dallas radio station KKDA, “I’ve always been competitive, I’ve always been in sports. I couldn’t see myself not being the biggest dope man.”

Well, Nate, you got your wish. You’re the biggest dope, man.

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Glad to see “Crash,” the movie about daredevil motorcyclist Kellen Winslow Jr., is doing so well at the box office.

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News item: New Jersey real estate mogul Zygmunt Wilf is now the lead investor in the group trying to buy the Vikings.

Comment: The first time I saw the name “Zygmunt Wilf” in print — suspicious sort that I am — I was convinced it was just “Reggie Fowler” spelled backward.

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If Zygmunt gets the Vikes, will the Minny media dub them the TimberWilfs?

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More on the Z-Man: According to Minneapolis Star Tribune columnist Jim Souhan, “a representative of … Wilf notified [the newspaper] on Wednesday that when we insist on referring to him as ‘Ziggy,’ we should spell it ‘Zygi.’”

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Too bad Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer didn’t buy Manchester United, the world famous soccer club, a year ago. It would have given him a place to farm out Martin Gramatica.

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Now that former Heisman Trophy winner Jason White has flunked his tryout with the Chiefs, will he petition the NCAA for a seventh year of eligibility at Oklahoma?

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To paraphrase Bluto in “Animal House”: “Six years of college down the drain.”

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A policeman in Wayland, Mass., lost his job after he used some sick time to go to the Super Bowl and then lied about it, the Boston Globe reports. Come on, is that really all there is to the story, or did the guy go out in his squad car the next day dressed like Bill Belichick?

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On the college front, the University of Memphis already has begun promoting running back DeAngelo Williams for the 2005 Heisman Trophy. Williams has led Memphis to back-to-back bowl games, neither of which anybody can remember.

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Judging from recent voting patterns, Williams has about as much chance of winning the Heisman as Fridge Perry does of endorsing the Thigh Master.

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Kids do the darnedest things: LeBron James has fired his agent and replaced him with buddies Maverick Carter, Randy Mims and Rich Paul. James and his posse like to call themselves the “Four Horsemen” — not being aware, apparently, that the original Horsemen were War, Famine, Pestilence and Death.

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Or maybe it was War, Famine, Pestilence and George Mikan. One or the other.

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But let’s not make too much fun of LeBron. After all, the first pick in the 1974 NFL Draft, Steve Bartkowski, was represented by a 25-year-old recent law graduate named Leigh Steinberg.

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The Palace at Auburn Hills, home of the Detroit Pistons, is leasing five new luxury suites this fall for $450,000 a year. The suites are underground and have no view of the court but do come equipped, I understand, with a periscope.

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My friend Robert, the Virginia Tech zealot, says he bumped into Hokies hoops coach Seth Greenberg at a country club the other day. “Seth said he’s been asked what his greatest victory was this [past] season. Duke? Clemson [his first ACC win]? N.C. State? Nope, he tells everybody, his greatest victory was the Tech football team beating Miami, because his basketball team lost to VMI the same day, and nobody noticed.”

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Elsewhere in sports, Tiger Woods’ incredible streak of making the cut in 142 straight tournaments ended at the Byron Nelson Classic. The news isn’t all bad for Tiger, though. He now has the rest of the weekend to get his 155-foot yacht detained by the Coast Guard.

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And finally …

Did you catch that story out of Texas about the El Paso man and his stepmother who aced the same hole in the same foursome? The odds of that happening, according to Golf Digest, are 17million-to-1.

The odds, that is, of a guy playing golf with his stepmother. The other thing is much more common.

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