- The Washington Times - Sunday, November 13, 2005

Flew into Tampa last night for the Redskins game and, boy, you wouldn’t believe the devastation down here. I’m not talking about the hurricanes, I’m talking about the visit last weekend by those Carolina Panthers cheerleaders.

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When one of them was arrested, police say, she gave the name of another Panthers cheerleader. Just wondering: Would this chick by any chance be related to Rafael Palmeiro?

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Charges included disorderly conduct, obstructing or opposing an officer, battery and using pompoms for immoral purposes.

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The last charge is a biggie. If guilty, the cheerleaders can be penalized half the distance to the hemline.

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That was quite the “I’m sorry” from Terrell Owens the other day. About the only thing he didn’t apologize for was the crack in the Liberty Bell.

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My favorite part, though, was when his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, stepped up to the mike and said, “I love this man!”

To quote yourself, T.O. (on the subject of Jeff Garcia’s sexual predilections): “Like my boy tells me: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.”

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There’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that Clinton Portis, he of the numerous Uniform Violations, is writing a book called “The Joy of Socks.”

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Speaking of attire — or lack thereof — did you hear about the upcoming calendar featuring R-rated photos of female curlers? Some of the babes, I’m told, are stone cold beautiful — if you’ll pardon the expression.

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For the uninitiated, the stone (or rock) is the primary tool of the curler’s trade.

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I don’t know about you, but there’s something about a naked woman with a broom that turns me on.

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As long as she’s not riding it.

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Nude curlers … I mean, what’s next, fully clothed sumo wrestlers?

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China rolled out multiple mascots last week for the 2008 Olympics. Among them were a panda, fish, Tibetan antelope and swallow — but, interestingly, no running dog of imperialism.

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The Beijing Organizing Committee received 662 suggestions for mascots. See, this is what happens when you have a nation of 1.3 billion people. You have to weed through 662 suggestions for Olympic mascots.

If the ‘08 Games were being held in Canada, the organizing committee would have received a single postcard from the Yukon — with “Youppi!” scribbled on it.

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Wish I’d been at the White House last week when Robert Duvall received the National Medal of Arts from President Bush. Then I could have posed the question (with great glee): “How does this compare with your sixth-place finish in ABC’s ‘Superstars’ competition in 1976?”

It tends to be forgotten that, in the interval between “The Godfather” and “Apocalypse Now,” Duvall put his athleticism on the line against Kyle Rote Jr., Lynn Swann, Brian Oldfield and others in “Superstars,” an annual sports spectacular that measured contestants’ abilities in various events. He didn’t do half-bad, either, placing first in bowling (with a 189) and second in tennis (losing 6-4 to Rote in the final).

Had ballroom dancing been an event — Duvall loves to tango, and is quite good at it — he undoubtedly would have finished higher. As it was, he beat out football’s Tucker Frederickson, baseball’s Mike Schmidt, basketball’s Dave DeBusschere and track’s Ralph Boston (among others) and took home a whopping $5,100 in prize money.

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You can check out the results for yourself at www.geocities.com/Colosseum/Dugout/8973/comp/76final.html. The biggest surprise besides Duvall’s performance is who came in second in the 100-yard dash (in a time of 10.43). Answer: Oldfield, a shot putter, who crossed the finish line before Rote, a world-class soccer player. Anyway, it’s a fun Web site to visit on a rainy day.

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I’d love to know who was/is the better tennis player, Duvall or Joe Theismann, who won the tennis competition at the ‘79 “Superstars.” (If the two ever did meet on the court, rest assured Joe T. would show up wearing eyeblack.)

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In addition to the warning about gambling, maybe there should be a sign in every baseball clubhouse telling players to “Beware of anybody named Curtis.” Why? Well, according to the FBI, the man who may have helped launch the Steroid Era in MLB is one Curtis Wenzlaff. And the principal figure in the Pittsburgh drug trials in the ‘80s, you may recall, was Curtis Strong.

For that matter, one of the players who challenged the reserve system in the ‘70s — and took the owners all the way to the Supreme Court — was Curtis Flood.

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Elsewhere in baseball, Sapporo Breweries has named a beer after Bobby Valentine, who managed the Chiba Lotte Marines to their first Japanese title in 31 years.

How classic would it be if the brewery lined up Bill Murray, plugger of Suntory scotch in “Lost in Translation,” to do ads for BoBeer?

(Murray could even parody the Suntory commercial he did in the movie. “For relaxing times,” he could say suavely, “make it BoBeer time.”)

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How’s this for strange? Time magazine has a full-page story on Tony Stewart in its current issue, but nowhere in the piece will you find the words “Joe Gibbs Racing” (or even “Joe Gibbs”).

That’s like doing a story on Mark Brunell without mentioning the Washington Redskins.

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From the Field and Stream Department:

In the matter of a few minutes the other morning, I came across two stories on the Internet. The first was headlined, “Two drunken moose invade home for elderly,” the second blared, “Calif. motorist struck by flying deer.”

All I could think, in my pre-caffeine fuzziness, was: Bullwinkle must be working with a new partner and none too successfully, either. Maybe he should hook up with the flying deer.

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The management of the American Hockey League’s Manitoba Moose, by the way, has already issued a statement saying, “It wasn’t any of our guys.”

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Arjun Atwal.

Sounds like a remote province in the Himalayas. But believe it or not, Arjun Atwal was the 17th-best all-around golfer on the 2005 PGA Tour.

Don’t worry, I’d never heard of him, either. Somehow, though, the 32-year-old from India outranked Kenny Perry (18th), Bart Bryant (19th) and Sergio Garcia (22nd), despite missing the cut in the only major he played in (the PGA) and finishing out of the top 25 in 12 of his 17 events — most of them second-tier affairs like the Chrysler Classic of Tucson and the B.C. Open.

The Tour’s all-around formula is worse than the NFL’s passer rating formula. There’s gotta be a better way.

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And finally …

In the first round of a tournament in Shanghai, Tiger Woods “twice had to check his swing and ask people in the crowd to stop taking photos while he was playing the ball,” AP reported.

Tiger wasn’t expecting any more problems but, just in case, Steve Williams, his bodyguard-caddy, was brushing up on his Kung Fu.

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