Learning the lessons of marriage

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In terms of preparing our children for their future, one area generally skipped over completely by traditional educational institutions is that of marriage and relationship preparation.

Since the current state of marriage and family life in our nation is pretty dismal, you would think the first rule of the No Child Left Behind Act would be strengthening families. Thank goodness home-schoolers have the ability to actually help their children learn the habits and attitudes that will equip them for this most central part of adult life.

For this purpose, you may want to check out the Web site www.marriagetransformation.com. This is the brainchild of a couple who saw the desperate need for effective relationship education, and who decided to provide tools for that purpose.

Susanne Alexander and Craig Farnsworth have taught more than 30 workshops involving several thousand people during the past six years, and have sold books on nearly every continent. In addition to a newsletter full of helpful articles, they have produced several books -- one on the presses right now.

"Can We Dance? Learning the Steps for a Fulfilling Relationship" identifies and describes 56 key character qualities individuals may possess that have an effect on relationships. A full page is devoted to each trait, describing what this quality looks like, so it can be recognized in the self or others. Suggestions are given on how to practice and strengthen these traits within oneself as the basic foundation for any relationship.

Readers are led through steps to discover which qualities they possess and which ones they value in others. They also are encouraged to see that their strengths may mean their ideal partner may have different qualities that help balance their own.

"For instance, if a person is extremely creative, to the point where they forget to eat, sleep or respond to others, they might need a partner who loves to create a home, has a lot of contentment and kindness, a caring person," explains Ms. Alexander. "A partner like this can help them moderate their creativity and enthusiasm, bringing a balance."

"In terms of truthfulness, some people believe that you have to lie, or you'll hurt people's feelings," Ms. Alexander says. "What we try to show is that if you express truth with tact, kindness and love, there is virtually nothing that you can't say. So we try to show them how to use their own character qualities to be the most effective in life relationships."

An important aspect of marriage preparation is what the author refers to as "chastity."

"When we are 'in love,' we see our own fantasy, which has no substance, so it doesn't last. We try to slow the process down, to teach that we feel with our hearts and think with our minds," she says. "By looking at character qualities, learning to see how we practice those things in myself and, therefore, being able to observe those same things in others, we are in a strong position to develop relationships that are likely to last.

"Chastity refers to a broad range of choices, from thought to actions. It means learning that when you feel a strong attraction to someone, you can put the brakes on and not pursue those thoughts. Or learning to avoid books and movies that fuel strong sexual feelings. Or covering the body parts that would stimulate sexual feelings in others. Or avoiding alcohol and drugs, because they reduce your ability to make respectful choices."

One unique aspect of the book is that it incorporates quotes from the Scriptures and wisdom of all the world's major religions, so it serves as both a multicultural resource and one that demonstrates the universality of these principles.

To find out more about the workshops and receive the newsletter, check out the Web site.

• Kate Tsubata, a home-schooling mother of three, is a freelance writer who lives in Maryland.