One nation united in camouflage

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Tugged into the upper left-hand corner on page 244 of the 2006 Bass Pro Shops Redhead hunting catalog is a $49.95 King James Bible that is wrapped in a camouflage cover made of leather. The camo is nothing less than the Realtree Hardwoods pattern, friends. We're talking about a top-flight deal here.

The trouble is I doubt your minister, priest, pastor or bishop would want you to have a camouflaged Bible because when you need it most, you might not find it.

I have no idea if you've taken note, but it appears America is about to drown in camouflage from one end to the other. For heaven's sake, you could order a brand-new pickup truck in camouflage paint from your neighborhood dealer. This is not a joke. And how about that same popular Bass Pro Shops catalog that features genuine leather billfolds in Mossy Oak's new Break-Up camouflage? Shouldn't that be precisely what people don't need?

Imagine losing a camouflage-pattern wallet while hiking in the woods or walking along the C&O Canal Towpath. You'd never see it again because it looks like so many leaves, sticks and twigs. Does it make sense to own such a thing? Au contraire, Bass Pro Shops ought to market a billfold that has been dyed day-glow fluorescent orange. Now there's something you would see from 100 yards away.

Folks, as a life-long hunter I know the value of camouflage clothing, as well as camo rubber boots or waders, camo gloves and hats. But for crying out loud, who would want to own camouflage shower curtains, toothbrush holder, soap dish, lotion dispenser, bath rug and waste basket? It's all there on page 321 of the famous Cabela's Fall 2006 mail-order master catalog. By the way, the shower curtains come in Seclusion 3D camo and they cost $34.99.

Another mail-order catalog (I believe it was the Sportsman's Guide) not long ago offered camouflage toilet paper. Now there's a must-have item.

Not!

Last year one of the kids in the family presented me with Christmas gift house slippers made of camouflage material. That sweet boy bought it at a local Wal-Mart and he was very proud of himself. I thought that was the end of it, but in the just-released Bass Pro Shops Christmas 2006 catalog, on Page 185, there are two different sets of house slippers, both in camouflage.

A mail-order catalog known as Legendary Whitetails has gift packaging, boxes and throw pillows -- all in Mossy Oak camouflage. Gift boxes in camouflage. Oy vey! What would Santa say? Aren't gift boxes at holiday time supposed to be bright red, green or silver?

The same catalog also sells a camouflage-pattern playing card case. (Better not drop it in the leaves outside your deer hunting camp or you can forget the evening poker game.)

But I got the biggest chuckle from Cabela's and Bass Pro Shops' camouflage bedding. We're talking about $200 camo comforters, $30 camo pillow shams and $40 to $60 camo sheets. Judging the illustrations, the bedding looks wonderfully comfortable, plush and a bit on the wacky side.

Just imagine if you were about to come to bed and your wife wore a camouflage nighty (they have them, you know) and now was wrapped in camouflage sheets and comforter. You'd need a well-trained Labrador or Chesapeake retriever to find her, I tell you.

This camouflage thing has gotten out of hand.

c Look for Gene Mueller's Outdoors column Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday, only in The Washington Times. E-mail: gmueller@washingtontimes.com.