Knot now, Americans say

“How do I love thee? Letmecount the ways,” begins Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s passionate ode to eternal love.

But today’s young lovers — with apologies to Browning — seem to be more interested in counting the reasons why they can’t walk down the aisle … yet.

Typical explanations include “I’m busy with other things,” “I want to go to graduate school first” and “I’m not sure s/he is my soul mate.” Cohabiting and career-building often come before — and may even replace — marriage.

The trend is national: Since 1950, the average age for first marriage has crept up from 22.8 years to 27.1 for men and from 20.3 to 25.8 for women.

But is “delaying” marriage really a problem? Or is marrying in the late 20s strange only when measured against the 1950s’ “golden age” of marriage, when wedding bells often followed high school graduation.

To the average American, today’s young people are doing it about right.

In a June Gallup poll, Americans chose 25 and 27 as the “best age” for a woman and a man, respectively, to marry. In 1946, 50 percent of Americans thought women should marry by 21 and men by 25, Gallup said.

The age of marriage could keep climbing. There’s evidence that the average marriage age for college-educated women is about 30, said Stephanie Coontz, author of “Marriage, A History” and director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families.

One reason for the delay is that marriage no longer plays the pivotal role in life it once did, she said.

“Back in the 1950s, [marriage] was the way you began your life” — it meant settling down, getting a promotion, getting a bank loan, Mrs. Coontz said. Today, there are many other ways for young singles to establish themselves as adults, she said. As a result, “people tend to marry when they’ve already proven to themselves that they’ve grown up.”

In addition, she said, “some people will not like this, but you no longer have to remain abstinent until marriage. … People feel less pressure to marry simply because they want to have sex.”

Other evidence also seems to support waiting to marry.

The 2002 National Survey of Family Growth found that half of men who married as teens were divorced or separated within 10 years, compared with 17 percent of men who married at 26 or older.

This kind of data, coupled with studies that find that, on average, college graduates have the happiest marriages, suggests that the best ages to marry are 23 to 27, the National Fatherhood Initiative said in its 2005 marriage study, “With This Ring.”

But not everyone is on board with the idea that young couples shouldn’t marry right out of high school or while they’re in college.

Story Continues →