- The Washington Times - Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Ah, spring.

You know it is that idyllic time of the year in the nation’s capital because of the pollen in the air and the Arctic-like chill between Wizards coach Eddie Jordan and center Brendan Haywood.

You know the story line: A highly unreasonable coach expects Haywood to act his 7-foot height instead of his arrested-development age.

Interpersonal matters deteriorate from there, sometimes to the point that Haywood’s mother is compelled to make a telephone call to the team’s front office.

A mother’s intervention, however sweet and loving, rarely provides a solution in the clinical subculture known as the NBA, where relationships are based on production and not the heart.

So shed no tears for Haywood.

But if you do, use only one square of toilet paper, as Sheryl Crow has suggested.

In case you missed it, Crow is the singing scientist/environmental activist who is seeking legislation that would impose a one-square toilet-paper limit per sitting on the throne.

She does not say how this planet-saving measure would be enforced, but it does not take a degree from the Al Gore propaganda school of global warming to know that a government-mandated camera in all bathrooms would provide this function.

Fines then could be dispensed to those who do not comply with the one-square law.

Repeat offenders, of course, would be imprisoned.

Haywood is a repeat offender of a different ilk, which is why he was limited to five minutes in Game 1 of the Wizards-Cavaliers series.

His cameo appearance was striking because of the sight of Antawn Jamison trying to defend Zydrunas Ilgauskas at one point.

An obvious conclusion was drawn.

Haywood is buried so deep on the bench that the coach would prefer to use a nondefender like Jamison giving up six inches to Ilgauskas than Haywood.

Story Continues →