Civil living, together

The roommate who makes a mess and never cleans it up, communicates via mean little sticky notes or sings soprano during sleeping hours can drive the others crazy.

Roommates, whether doubling up in a dorm room or sharing a six-bedroom house, can follow the basic principles of etiquette to improve any less-than-desirable living situations and get on respectfully while enjoying sharing their living space.

“Roommate etiquette is trying to maintain a working relationship … so you’re not driving yourself crazy,” says Lesley Carlin, co-author with Honore McDonough Ervin of the Etiquette Grrls’ books “Things You Need to Be Told” and “More Things You Need to Be Told.” They created an interactive Web site on etiquette (www.etiquettegrrls.com).

Etiquette is more than rules, manners and customs for proper behavior, says Lizzie Post, great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and author of “How Do You Work This Life Thing? Advice for the Newly Independent on Roommates, Jobs, Sex, and Everything That Counts,” a how-to-deal guide for 18-to-25-year-olds scheduled to be published in March.

Etiquette is about personal relationships and the attitudes and actions a person chooses to handle everyday situations at home, work and out and about in the real world, while realizing how one person’s actions can affect others, Ms. Post says.

It is grounded in the principles of consideration, respect and honesty promoted by the Emily Post Institute Inc. in Burlington, Vt., Ms. Post says. Emily Post founded the institute in 1946 to provide advice about manners and etiquette concerns.

Consideration involves taking into account other points of view with tact and diplomacy, Lizzie Post says. Respect is a matter of accepting others for who they are, taking actions that show them positive regard, and speaking up honestly about issues of concern, not letting them fester and build up into a grudge, she says.

“You learn so much about yourself when you live with other people. You learn about yourself and your habits and how to handle other people’s habits,” Ms. Post says.

When roommates disagree or find themselves in a difficult situation, they can put the principles of etiquette into action with the three C’s — communication, compromise and commitment — Ms. Post says.

For instance, they can establish a system of communication by setting aside time to discuss problems without becoming defensive or accusatory or by scheduling a regular meeting night in larger households, she says.

“Once you start talking about issues in the apartment, you are going to come up with ways to solve them,” Ms. Post says.

Once a solution is agreed upon, the roommates commit to it by carrying it out, she says.

Roommates can discuss expectations and agree on some ground rules before they sign a lease and may want to put their agreement in writing, Ms. Carlin says.

“Try to keep communication open, and try to do it in person, not with Post-its or a white board,” Ms. Carlin says, adding that using notes can come across as bossy.

Roommates can follow some basic ground rules of etiquette around the home to maintain a respectful living space.

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