Families try present-free parties

Alternatives to excess may reduce stress

By Gabriella Boston (Contact) | Wednesday, August 13, 2008

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Fifty-two presents, limousine rides and hired help. No, we're not talking weddings here. Just run-of-the-mill children's birthday parties in the 21st century. "It's a kind of 'weddification' of childhood," says Bill Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. "Seven-year-olds get picked up in limousines." The question is, how do you top that for the 8th birthday party?

You don't, says Mr. Doherty, co-founder of Birthdays Without Pressure, a group that encourages a simplification of birthday parties, including gatherings with no gifts and no goody bags.

"You can keep it simple and fun, but you have to articulate your values to children or they will feel resentful," he says. "Deprivation is a subjective experience."

It's not as if children today - even if the parents succeed in pulling off no-gift parties - are lacking stuff. Most are showered with gifts from grandparents, parents and other family members and end up celebrating their birthday several times: at home, at school, with friends, with relatives.

"That's the difference. When I was growing up, we didn't get gifts throughout the year," says Lisa Kothari, founder of Peppers and Pollywogs, a children's party-planning Web site. "Today, kids get gifts all the time."

If no gifts at birthday parties, then what?

Ms. Kothari suggests offering the birthday child and a couple of friends an experience - such as rock climbing or a visit to an amusement park - rather than an elaborate party.

Another solution is to suggest that fellow parents bring books for a book exchange instead of gifts or give gifts that can be donated to a charity.

"It helps if you can get the birthday child excited about the charity," Ms. Kothari says, adding that a visit to the designated charity - the local Humane Society or children's hospital, perhaps - can help the child feel engaged and gratified.

Mr. Doherty, however, says the charity solution can be a problem.

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