Pretty people but dumb ‘10,000 B.C.’

Who knew prehistoric man had universal dental coverage?

Roland Emmerich’s “10,000 B.C.” takes us back to an era when woolly mammoths roamed the plains, saber-toothed tigers inspired fear, and the people had smiles that would make the Osmond family blush.

Oh, and they mostly spoke English — albeit in clipped, “prehistoric” cadences.

Those who can buy all of the above will find some modest enjoyment in this action tale. Consider it the equivalent of those ‘50s-era “Sinbad” movies, with their pretty casts, silly storytelling and the occasional creature battle to break up the monotony.

“B.C.” follows a tribe of hunters who are attacked by a mysterious group seeking slaves for its master. The marauders kidnap members of the tribe, including the beautifully made up Evolet (Camilla Belle). She’s the gal pal of D’leh (Steven Strait), a hunter with blue eyes and a heavy psychological burden: His father was a coward whose sins stain D’leh to this day. It’s also foretold in a prophecy that D’leh will lead his people to their salvation.

So off goes D’leh along with his faithful companion, Tic Tic (Cliff Curtis), to save Evolet and their fellow tribe members.

Along the way they battle winged creatures and meet up with other tribes who also have been victimized by the same marauders.

“B.C.” ladles on way too much talk about prophecies and destiny when it should be delivering solid, streamlined entertainment, but Mr. Emmerich doesn’t have it in him to stick to such a sensible plan. He’s far better at making the latest computer-graphics-imaging effects do his bidding, and his sweeping panoramas are amazing, as are the hunting sequences between the tribe and their woolly targets.

Mr. Emmerich, who previously gave us “The Day After Tomorrow” (2004) and “Independence Day” (1996), never met a character he couldn’t whittle down to one, slender dimension. His unknown cast will likely stay anonymous, although modeling work is definitely in the cards for both Mr. Strait and Miss Belle. They’re both photogenic and hopelessly bland.

Omar Sharif’s narration tries to weave the disparate elements together, but it only serves to remind us how self-important the project appears. And the inclusion of Old Mother (Mona Hammond), the tribe’s spiritual guru, is good mostly for a few snickers.

Today’s audiences, weaned on the likes of “Apocalypto,” are far too sophisticated for a throwback like “10,000 B.C.” We expect native dialogue, or at least attempts at re-creating ancient speech patterns, and characters that create the illusion of a prehistoric era. Instead, “10,000 B.C.” plays out like a dress-up party with a mammoth budget.

**

TITLE: “10,000 B.C.”

RATING: PG-13 (Disturbing imagery and extreme violence)

CREDITS: Directed by Roland Emmerich. Written by Mr. Emmerich and Harald Kloser

Story Continues →