Dear Ms. Vicki,
I’ve read your advice before to mothers who don’t like their daughters-in-law. Honestly, I agreed with your advice and believed that there is nothing a mother or a family can do when someone chooses to marry or be involved with someone. I now realize I never thought it would happen to me, but it has.
My son was hellbent on marrying this girl from Maryland’s Eastern Shore. It was a whirlwind romance and the next thing we knew he was marrying her before he deployed. Rumor has it she is an exotic dancer. Now out of all of the women in the world, how could my son have become involved with her? He has always dated very kind, pretty, church-going girls. Why would he stoop so low?
He married her and now he is deployed. Ms. Vicki, I have not seen my daughter-in-law, she has not called me or my husband or anyone else in our family, for that matter. I’ve tried leaving messages and she does not return my phone calls. In a recent phone call from my son, he said he hasn’t spoken to her in over a month because he cannot get a hold of her.
Here’s my concern. I have rental property and friends in the neighborhood where she lives. My friends say she is living the high life with my son’s money. She is partying in their home every night, drinking and entertaining men, too. This is not fair to my son!
Am I supposed to sit back and let this continue and say nothing? This is tearing me apart. My son is risking his life right now and he deserves more. I’m scared sick thinking she may be the beneficiary to my son’s life insurance from the Army. In my heart I know she wants him dead so she can cash in and continue to live the high life. Is there any way I can find out who the beneficiary is? — Losing My Mind
Dear Losing,
From the tone of this letter I can tell this is making you ill, literally. I know you love your son and you want only the best for him.
I have three sons and it hurts me when they are experiencing any type of trouble. I have a tendency to want to solve everything for them and make the problem go away. The last two years have taught me that it’s time for me to be a sideline coach in their lives and not a player. My stress has decreased tremendously.
Many people disagree with me on this issue, but I don’t think there is anything you can do about who your son chose to marry. This is not who you would have chosen, but you may have to live with his choice. I know it’s difficult.
Here’s some quick advice: Try to have a conversation with your son about his financial matters only. He is in an environment right now that requires him to be at his best emotionally and mentally. The person to his right and to his left are depending on him to be at his best. For this reason, you cannot mention all of the rumors about his wife’s partying and the other men. This would be detrimental to your son’s emotional well-being.
Again, I think you are well within your lane to ask him about his life insurance and other financial matters. This would be to his benefit. But what will you say if his wife is in fact his beneficiary? Give this some thought.
In the meantime, I think you should reach out to his wife and try to get to know her. Sometimes people are not telling the truth and the truth can be stretched. Maybe she needs a great family. She may not consider you her mother, but perhaps you could try to be friends.
I think a little kindness may go a long way in this situation versus isolating the family from her. Know that I understand and that I wish you the best.
• Vicki Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker, military spouse and mother of three. Her column runs in The Washington Times on Thursdays and Sundays. Contact her at dearmsvicki@yahoo.com.
Please read our comment policy before commenting.