GREEN & GLOVER: A crasher’s crasher

Aaron Barschak crashed Prince William’s 21st birthday party at Windsor Castle on June 21, 2003, while dressed as Osama Bin Laden in drag. G2 has obtained an exclusive analysis of our own “Gatecrashergate” from the man known by his British compatriots as the “comedy terrorist.” Excerpts from the royal party crasher’s remarks - with his eccentric punctuation and capitalization and allergy to paragraphing intact - follow:

“Every year, and it’s as perennial as Thanksgiving, somewhere in the World there is a major security screw up, involving, a head of state. Maybe this is a first for you in America, because it’s probably the First time in a trigger happy culture, someone unauthorised got near The President and didn’t try to shoot him. All Mr and Mrs Salahi Wanted to be were celebrities, rather than Terrorbrities. I can tell you However that in the rest of the world, this is not so rare an occurrence. In the U.K, gatecrashing high profile events, Especially royal events is practically a national pastime. On July the ninth 1982, Michael Fagin, scaled the walls of Buckingham Palace, and ended up sitting on the end of Queen Elizabeth the second’s bed for twenty five minutes, and doing Nothing more than asking her for a cigarette, before the security Were called. … On June 21st 2003, Aaron Barschak, a Comedian, gatecrashed Prince William’s 21st birthday, party, dressed As Osama Bin Laden in drag. I am that person, and I have since Become a security consultant, because everytime the black suits with Earpieces and shades screw up, the mediacracy, elects me spokesman. So let us examine Salahigate …

“A smiling, chubby, middle-aged, white guy, with greying temples, Wearing a tuxedo, walked in to a White House dinner, accompanied, By his, white, blonde, Sari, draped, trophy wife. Guess what? Nobody check’s if they have invitations. You know why? Because they look like lobbyists. They look like They should be at a White House dinner. The only people who, According to conventional wisdom, look like they shouldn’t be in the White House, are Mr and Mrs Obama. Someone asked me the secret to gatecrashing High profile parties. It’s simple. DRESS RIGHT AND BE WHITE. … The secret to high profile - gatecrashing. Look like you belong, feel like you belong, act like you own the place, because high profile institutions have a blindspot in that they feel no-one will ever have chutzpah to try it on with them … In the end, it wasn’t such a hard thing to get into the White House, For this couple. They didn’t look out of place, and for that they are To be congratulated. However when it comes to style, one has to say That if Michael Fagin is the Elvis, then I, am the John Lennon, And these two are the Monkees. I have to go now. I have to fly to Copenhagen to talk with a man About a job in charge of his Security. Hey you know what they say. Takes a schmock to catch a schmock.”

Warming’s other Al

In town to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Antarctic Treaty, Prince Albert II of Monaco appeared at the National Press Club on Monday to talk about climate change.

The first question from the audience, read by a moderator, was about the recent exposure of British climate scientists who altered their data to exaggerate global warming.

“Someone said that these were going to be easy questions!” Albert joked after a moment of silence.

“Is this the right luncheon?” he asked, milking the laughter from the audience members, finishing up their meals.

“I’m not a scientist, but I think I have been in touch and engaged and talked to a lot of different scientists, and I was out in the field myself,” Albert continued in a more serious vein, referring to his trip to Antarctica earlier this year.

“I can assure you that there are signs already out there on the effects of climate change,” the monarch, son of the late Hollywood screen siren Grace Kelly and the late Prince Rainier, went on. “You can argue about the intensity of it or on the fluctuations of different temperature averages around the world or precipitation averages, but one thing is for sure - it is happening. It is happening on a global scale. You’ve got to remember it’s not evenly distributed, and the effects are seen more in some areas than others, but it is definitely happening, and we have to address this issue before it’s too late.”

• To contact Stephanie Green or Elizabeth Glover, e-mail undercover@washingtontimes.com.