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I keep picking the wrong women - the ones who just don’t listen. I spent most of Christmas Day in a jail cell after my wife called the cops on me. The arrest papers say I held a knife to her throat and threatened to have her killed - by the kind of ex-cops who know how to do it right. I was upset that she had threatened to divorce me. I’ve already been through a nasty divorce with actress - I mean, reality star - Denise Richards.

It wasn’t the first time I’ve been accused of getting violent with a woman. My engagement with Kelly Preston was broken off after I shot her in the arm - accidentally, of course. Denise also accused me of threatening her.

I’m sick of the way these women have treated me. I’m a high-powered movie and television star. Shouldn’t they be doing what I tell them? I certainly provide them with the good life.

- Charlie Sheen

Dear Charlie,

Do you beat your own wife as you would a slave? That must you not do.

- Muhammad