Turns out he's not Kenyan after all. He's KGB. All this time, people were worried that President Obama was born in Africa and that his radical agenda had been crafted by the Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Saul Alinsky on the streets of Chicago's South Side.
Now we know his real radical hidden agenda is in service of the Kremlin.
Mr. Obama reached the darkest low of his presidency this week in South Korea when he was caught on an unseen mic plotting with the leader of one of our oldest adversaries to thwart the will of American voters and advance the interests of enemies who want to see the world's last remaining beacon of freedom finally destroyed.
"On these issues — but particularly missile defense — this can be solved," he tells Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, like in a scene from a Cold War spy movie.
But, Mr. Obama explains to his handler, he needs more time, and he needs to get into a position where he is no longer answerable to American voters.
"This is my last election," he says. "After my election, I have more flexibility."
Speaking in robotic Russian spy-speak, Mr. Medvedev promises to convey the message to incoming President Vladimir Putin: "I understand. I transmit this information to Vladimir."
Not since the tapes of Richard Nixon has a U.S. president been caught uttering such sinister words in an unguarded moment. And, one could easily argue, Mr. Obama's dishonest scheming puts Nixon to shame because it is American voters — not his political enemies — he is selling down the river.
It was particularly chilling to hear Obama's words of betrayal uttered in such a familiar voice that has served to raise the hopes and inspire the dreams of so many of us. It is now official: We fell for a complete and total lie.
His cold, calculating message reveals a deep dishonesty many of us still did not dream Mr. Obama was capable of. It is a duplicity in allegiance unthinkable for an elected American president. Literally, he overrides the interests of American voters who will go to the polls with those of Moscow and Tehran, with whom he will deal after his re-election.
Understandably, our longest-standing and most steadfast friends in Poland and Israel shuddered with every deceitful word.
The question now is, Mr. President, what other secret deals have you made with our foreign enemies? What other tricks do you have up your sleeve that you plan to jump on us after you have been re-elected and we no longer have something you want?
Of course, don't expect the press to ask any such questions. They largely laughed off the matter. "No shock or awe there," Bloomberg News actually wrote in an editorial.
The stridently liberal and increasingly irrelevant Washington Post barely covered the story, except as just another technical goof-up with a microphone. The paper actually compared the incident to then-President George W. Bush inadvertently being caught calling a New York Times reporter a nasty name.
It is this incestuous and deeply un-American collusion between the press and Mr. Obama that gave the president the astonishing bravado to come out the next day and joke about the incident by asking: "Are the mics on?"
How do you say "hilarious" in Russian?
Is it any wonder so many people still do not believe Mr. Obama or the press when they say his birth certificate is real and he was born in the U.S.?
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.