Did you read about that basketball coach at Louisiana-Lafayette who got fired — just two months after being hired — for resume embellishment? He reportedly listed a degree from Lacrosse University, which was unbelievably dumb. I mean, who’s gonna believe he went to Princeton?
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I ask you: Where but the Sunday Column can you find lacrosse humor?
(OK, attempted lacrosse humor.)
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Lacrosse University (motto: “Innovation in Education”) is an online school “accredited” by the World Association of Universities and Colleges, whatever the heck that is. Its mission, according to its Web site, is to “fulfill the educational needs of professional and working adults who wish to expand their formal education within their field of expertise. In addition to recognizing prior learning, we offer a fresh and unique approach to traditional subject matter. By maintaining flexible schedules, we can facilitate the educational process to fit the needs of all our students.
“There are no ’on campus’ requirements, and course work is completed entirely through correspondence. We have an open-enrollment policy, which allows students to enroll with Lacrosse at any time throughout the year. Our degree programs are designed for self-directed students.”
Translation: Just send us the money, and we’ll mail you the diploma.
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Lacrosse University. … Wonder if that’s where that St. Bonaventure player got his certificate in welding.
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Can you imagine what the coach’s “safe school” was?
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Speaking of hoops, I did a little research on the basketball-playing mother of the Capitals’ Alexander Ovechkin, the top pick in the NHL Draft. Tatiana Ovechkin, I’ll have you know, was the captain of one of the greatest women’s teams ever assembled, the unbeatable Soviet national squad of the 1970s and early 1980s. The average score of its games in the 1976 Olympics was 101-69. (And the U.S., which took the silver behind the U.S.S.R., had a pretty fair team itself that year that featured Ann Meyers, Luisa Harris, Nancy Lieberman and Pat Head — now known as Pat Summit. The Russians routed the Americans 112-77.)
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Yes, NBA teams are doing a lot of cradle-robbing these days, but they’re hardly alone. Check out this recent note in the Roanoke Times:
“Eric Wallace, 15, had barely completed his freshman year at Glenn High School in Kernersville, N.C., before he was offered a basketball scholarship by N.C. State. Wallace’s coach, Lee Reavis, told the News and Observer of Raleigh, N.C., that North Carolina had indicated it would “have a uniform ready for him if he wants to wear Carolina blue.”
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George Washington’s opener at Wake Forest in the Preseason NIT sounds daunting, but let’s not forget the Colonials’ last opener in the tournament in 1994:
GW 111, Syracuse 104 (in overtime at Manley Field House).
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That was GW’s first game after Yinka Dare shocked everybody by bolting for the NBA. Alexander Koul (as the Other Side of the Pillow), the first of Mike Jarvis’ Russian recruits, replaced Dare and had a terrific debut against the Orangemen (as they were quaintly called in those days).
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Lakers executive Jeanie Buss, in an interview with the Los Angeles Times, on all the upheaval on the club since the end of the season: “I’m a person who does not like change. I never wanted to graduate from high school. If I had my way, I’d probably be a 42-year-old senior at Palisades High. … I remember back in 1983 when the Lakers traded Norm Nixon [to the Clippers]. I called my dad crying, ’We’ve won two championships. I love Norm Nixon. Why? Why?’ That trade was for a player by the name of Swen Nater and a rookie named Byron Scott. Well, we all know how that turned out. Thank goodness they don’t listen to me, or we’d still have Kareem [Abdul-Jabbar] playing at age 57 because I didn’t want to change the team from the 1980s.”
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In addition to Nixon, the Lakers sent backup guard Eddie Jordan to the Clippers. Yes, that Eddie Jordan, the one currently coaching the Wizards. If I were Eddie, I’d be going around telling people, “Jeanie Buss cried when the Lakers traded me!”
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Buss on the state of her relationship with former Lakers coach Phil Jackson: “The bad news is, he’s not coming back. The good news is, I’ve been signed on as the national spokeswoman for not mixing business with pleasure.”
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Washington Times colleague Rick Snider not only admits to seeing “White Chicks,” in which Shawn and Marlon Wayans carry on like Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis in “Some Like It Hot,” he also gives Terry Crews high marks for his comedic turn as an NBA star with a weakness for Caucasian women.
If Crews’ name sounds slightly familiar, it’s because he played special teams — and some linebacker — for the Redskins in 1995. Shortly thereafter, he began an acting career (he went to Western Michigan on an Art Excellence Scholarship) and since has appeared in several movies, including “Training Day” (for which Denzel Washington won the Oscar), “The Sixth Day” (with Robert Duvall) and my own personal favorite, “How to Get the Man’s Foot Outta Your [Rear End]” (featuring Sally Struthers as “Roz”).
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I’ve yet to catch “White Chicks” — and won’t, frankly, until somebody does a remake of the “The Jolson Story.” (You know, just to even things out.)
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(Unless, of course, “White Chicks” was supposed to even things out for “The Jolson Story.”)
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Coming soon to a theater near you: Crews on the remake of Burt Reynolds’ classic prison/football flick, “The Longest Yard.” Adam Sandler is assuming Reynolds’ role as NFL star-gone-wrong Paul Crewes, and Reynolds will play coach Nate Scarboro (originally portrayed by Michael Conrad). James Cromwell has been cast as the mean ol’ warden (Eddie Albert, at the top of his game, in the 1974 film).
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Five points and a date with Marlon Wayans — all dolled up — if you can name any of the NFL players in the 1974 version of “The Longest Yard.” (Answer below.)
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News item: Bill Parcells adds Eddie George to the Cowboys’ offensive mix.
Comment: Ottis Anderson rides again.
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The minor league Brevard County (Fla.) Manatees get points for creativity for giving away a free cremation to one lucky fan. It would have been funnier, though, if they’d offered to pay for the fan to be cryogenically frozen.
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More expensive, sure, but definitely funnier.
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Stat of the Week: A study conducted by Baseball America (and cited by the Denver Post) revealed that only 64.9 percent of first-round draft picks from 1965 to 1995 made it to the big leagues and just 8 percent taken in the first 10 rounds became regulars.
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Which doesn’t necessarily explain the Orioles.
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Answer to trivia question: Former NFLers Pervis Atkins, Joe Kapp, Ray Nitschke and Ernie Wheelwright appeared in the 1974 version of “The Longest Yard.”
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Sonny Sixkiller, the ex-University of Washington quarterback (and Sports Illustrated cover boy in 1971) also was in the movie. Did you know Sixkiller’s No.6 Washington Huskies throwback jersey goes for $200 on the Internet? (Neither did I.) Also, did you know a musical group named Sonny Sixkiller was formed by Kara Lafty after she left the indie-pop trio Moped? (Ditto.)
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I plead “incredibly guilty” — to borrow a line from “The Producers” — to indie-pop ignorance and throw myself on the mercy of the court.
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Couldn’t help noticing the other day that poker was being televised on two channels simultaneously: ESPN and Bravo. Can dominoes be far behind?
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Fearless prediction: No Limit Texas Hold ’Em will be an Olympic event — or at the very least, a demonstration “sport” — by the end of the decade.
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Instead of urine tests, they’ll ask competitors to blow into a breathalyzer.
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Geena Davis couldn’t make the U.S. team in archery; maybe she can make it in Seven-Card Stud.
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And finally …
Chris Moneymaker, meet Laron Profit.
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