ON ReMARRIAGE: The perfect gifts for the remarried

I received the best, most difficult-to-find gift a little early this year, and it wasn’t a Wii Fit. My husband and I went on vacation for an entire week while my mom came from out-of-state to stay with our three sons and two dogs. Where we went didn’t even matter — we were alone! If you are a parent or stepparent, you can appreciate how precious couple time is.

Even with the current economy and the need for many to cut back on expenses during this holiday season, you can remember the special stepfamilies in your life in other meaningful ways.

• Alone time for a parent and stepparent is like gold, and you don’t have to run to the jewelry store for this kind. To maintain a healthy marriage, many relationship experts recommend that a couple have a date night at least once a week. When we first remarried, we had five kids at home, four sets of grandparents, three total parents, two dogs, two full-time careers and a partridge in a pear tree. Well, everything but the partridge and the pear tree.

But, like millions of other remarried couples with school-age children or younger, we recognized early on that the honeymoon phase where you get to read books, sip wine and lounge on the bearskin rug in front of the fire would come years after being married when the kids are grown. None of this is bad, I might add, but think how thrilled your remarried friend with kids would feel if she opened a card from you this year and found an offer for baby-sitting next Friday night?

• For extended family members, acceptance ranks right up there with diamonds. In an article titled “Finding Family at the Holidays” in a recent issue of Parade Magazine,Lynn Schnurnberger described how she had married a widower and spent her first holiday as a newlywed at a family gathering that included her husband’s first wife’s extended family. The uncle of her husband’s first wife greeted her with, “You’ll never be my niece.”

Sensitivity toward people would be great. Instead of asking a new family member to step out of a family picture because someone wants a picture of just their relatives, a great present would be to take an additional, all-inclusive picture and frame it as a gift or to create a calendar.

• Patience with convoluted schedules ranks high on many wish lists. Planning holiday get-togethers can be quite difficult for many families. When you add joint-custody schedules, multiple sets of grandparents and stepgrandparents, and travel into the mix, it can get downright stressful. If you find yourself in this situation, ask yourself, “Do we have to celebrate as a family on a specific date on a calendar?”

Based on our personal experience, my husband and I already have decided that when our blended brood is grown, we’ll hold the Bisacre holiday on the second Saturday of December every year so everyone will know what to expect and won’t compete for time. I hope my children will avoid the angst of deciding whether to bring their children to my house or their dad’s, and I bet they will appreciate not having to eat three feasts in one day as they drive from place to place.

• Another gesture remarried couples truly appreciate is this — if you choose to give gifts to their children, remember to include all their children.

Some grandparents take the view that they would rather give more to their biological children and grandchildren. Surely, that is their choice. However, it can be really uncomfortable if you are at a family gathering and your child doesn’t have a gift to open while the other biologically related children do. A gift for less than $10 or a handmade item can go a long way toward making everyone feel included and welcomed.

Given that the number of remarriages is growing by 1 million a year in the United States, you probably know someone who is remarried. With remarriage divorce rates at approximately 60 percent, the odds are against them, and they face unique challenges. Consider offering special support at this time of year. Remember, it doesn’t have to cost a thing.

• Paula Bisacre, founder of Remarriage LLC, is the publisher and executive editor of reMarriage magazine (www.remarriagemagazine. com). She can be reached at publisher@remarriage magazine.com.