As the Republican blame game and political infighting rages with no end in sight, here’s an unorthodox fast-track plan for a full-scale GOP recovery in 2010.
The future of the Grand Old Party needs to be dangerously youthful, devastatingly attractive and outrageously fun.
Throw the liberal baby boomer bums out. And let’s elect to higher office some good-looking, freedom-loving Net Generation babes. Face it: Democracy needs a face-lift and a youth movement. (I’m from Los Angeles, what can I tell you?)
If you don’t believe me, check out my representative, Henry A. Waxman, California Democrat. Or worse, Google him. During Mr. Waxman’s 33-year congressional run, Hollywood has lost billions of dollars in productions to Canada and Mexico. And it’s not because of his tax policies alone.
With the economy in the pits, the young, the restless and unapologetically handsome should use their looks, vigor and Internet knowledge to wrest away elective office from joyless bureaucrats who gallingly repackaged the soiled utopian promises of their overly replayed Woodstock days as “hope” and “change.”
Those young adults who weren’t duped this time around can be at the forefront of cluing in their friends that were.
In Facebook I trust. Heroes coming back from war will lead the GOP resurgence. I like to call it the second Surge.
After bravely kicking al Qaeda out of Iraq, what better group than unapologetic military veterans to fumigate Congress of the “No, We Can’t” political mercenaries of George Soros who tried to sell them out at the hour of their greatest need?
The suburban Mall Rats will be the first Obamacons to come back to the fold when they realize that trickle-up socialism limits their lifestyle options. So let’s stop first at Abercrombie and Fitch. See those shirtless models in the storefront tossing footballs in the air?
There’s a better use of their time and efforts. Tanned, coiffed and seriously cut, these young studs could be tossing free-trade legislation across the halls of the Cannon House Office Building faster than you can Twitter “The Bella Twins.”
Just tell these $15-an-hour beefcakes there’s a Democrat standing between them and a $169,300 job - one that comes with a free gym membership even.
Now let’s head over to Hooters for a basket of buffalo wings and some electoral gender diversity. It’s a lot more wholesome than you’d think; it’s mostly hosiery, not skin.
Untested bodacious waitresses who can espouse the virtues of limited government, lower taxes and a strong national defense would serve our country with greater distinction than Reps. Loretta and Linda Sanchez, whose spending policies and no longer funny ineptitude will leave Generation Y dazed, confused - and bankrupt.
Imagine overtly attractive candidates marching door-to-door asking for your vote. You’d invite them in to deliver their pitch, right?
Under this youth-driven GOP glasnost we will reward our friends, and not attempt to placate the bullies. Simple playground rules children can understand.
And if getting the world to like us is now the ultimate voting factor, imagine their positive impact on congressional trade missions. First trip abroad: South America to finalize the U.S.-Colombia Free Trade Agreement.
Sure, a lot of our newly elected officials may not be completely up to speed on the issues, but once elected, they’ll have close to three months to cram. That’s almost a full semester - enough time to get the gist of the Constitution. Leave the details for the staffers.
In this new Republican wave, young Hispanic, black and gay conservatives and libertarians will finally take on the Democratic Party’s identity politics mafia and show them where to shove their soul-depleting race, gender and sexual-orientation dogma.
One need look no further than Alfonzo Rachel, whose self-produced YouTube pro-freedom videos transcended the value of the McCain campaign ads combined. The California GOP should run him for governor. He’s the real deal.
The country’s divisions can only be healed when we stop thinking of ourselves as hyphenated Americans. Killing political correctness would be the greatest gift young Americans can deliver.
And the election of President Obama has primed us for this winnable debate.
Under my plan, the party will grow as the parties grow. Weekly keggers and Guitar Hero and karaoke fundraisers can make a mockery of the self-serious poetry slam-faced Obama youth movement. The Greek system on college campuses can experience a resurgence mocking the inanities of the emerging nanny state - just like they did during the roaring Reagan ‘80s.
We’ll even throw in some Republican punk rockers and conservative performance artists while we’re at it. They do exist.
If we’re going to make the Republican Party a big tent again, why not make it large enough to hold a rave?
Andrew Breitbart is the founder of the news Web site breitbart.com and is co-author of “Hollywood Interrupted: Insanity Chic in Babylon - the Case Against Celebrity.”