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To attend a party at Oprah’s house in Montecito, Calif., you must first go to a staging area, where security guards frisk you, check your ID and take a DNA sample. Then they load all the partygoers onto a chartered bus and drive them five miles to Oprah’s house, where everyone is again frisked, fingerprinted, photographed and tagged.

And before you enter Oprah’s house, you must surrender your shoes.

You get points just for showing up at the first checkpoint — after the Taser wears off, of course.


Overheard at Tiger Woods’ estate: “Since when can’t a man crash his Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree in the middle of the night and have his wife break open a window with a golf club in order to drag his unconscious body from the wreckage without everybody asking questions about it?”

You can reach Carleton Bryant at 202/636-3218 and — but only if you give him points for trying.