** FILE ** Max, a 350-pound, 12-year-old male lion, shown in this January 2002, file photo, in Tampa, Fla., bit the right arm off of a 21-year-old female zookeeper Sunday, May 12, 2002, at Busch Gardens in Tampa. Max attacked the zookeeper through a bar-style fence while she was giving her family a behind-the-scenes tour of the theme park. The woman, whose name wasn’t released, was flown with the severed limb to Tampa General Hospital by helicopter. She is listed in serious condition, a hospital spokesman said. (AP Photo/Jim Tuten, File)My morning commute seems to be getting longer and longer, but at least I get to pass the time with 352,471 of my closest friends. And their cars … and tractor trailers.
Without traffic, I can drive from my home to work in 35 minutes. With traffic, it takes me well over an hour. That’s what car horns are for. Apparently. (“Honk if you like the scenic route!”)
There are certain spots along the route where traffic regularly slows to a crawl — or slower. These slow spots usually sport names like “highway,” “freeway” or “parkway.” During the morning commute, they all become “driveways.”
These slow spots give us commuters time to work on our communication skills, mostly vocabulary (“#@*%$#!” is the most popular word) and sign language (“My goodness! Do you shake hands with that finger?”).
It’s like an educational party.
But lately I’ve noticed a couple of party poopers. When traffic stalls, they drive onto the shoulder and zip by everybody else. It’s like they’re saying, “Hey, I don’t have time to sit here and obey the law. I’ve got places to go,” as they kick up dust and gravel onto your car.
It’s just plain rude.
And it makes me wish I had someplace to go.
The BBC reported about a new study showing that lions form prides to defend their turf against other lions, not to hunt more efficiently.
Prides operate like street gangs to keep out interlopers, and the bigger the pride, the more successful the lions are, said a leading researcher.
The discovery helps explain why lions, uniquely among the cat species, live together in social groups.
It also explains all of those drive-by maulings on the savannah. (“Hey, fuzz face. Move off my turf or we’re gonna rumble!”)
Who knew lions were so gangsta? I just wonder if rival prides more resemble the Crips and the Bloods from Los Angeles … or the Sharks and the Jets from “West Side Story.” (“When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way/From your first cigarette to your last dyin’ day. … Roar!”)
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Carleton Bryant is the assistant managing editor for strategic planning and development/special projects for The Washington Times. He previously served as The Times’ Metropolitan desk editor, Features desk editor and an assistant National desk editor, as well as a National and Metropolitan reporter. He currently writes a humor blog and weekly humor column — both titled “Out of Context” — ...
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