Dear Ms. Vicki,
I’m a 17-year-old senior in high school. I hope you can give me some good advice about my family. My dad is a sergeant major in the Army and will retire in a year or two. He told my mom he wants a divorce.
I know this is hard for my mother because from what I’ve seen, I know she has been a good wife and has been very good to my father. She never complained about all of the schools he had to attend or all of his deployments either. My mother is sad because he said he doesn’t love her and he moved out of the house earlier this year.
I feel bad for my mother, but I want her to get it together and fight back by improving her life. I don’t blame her that she never worked because she took good care of us.
Even though I am mad with my dad, I think he should move on if he’s not happy. I guess I say that because I’ve never been in love with a girl, but I wouldn’t want her to stay with me if she didn’t love me. I would want her to check out and move on with her life like my dad.
All I’ve done is excelled in school and looked forward to the day I would go off to college. I’ve already been accepted to a school in California and in Texas. My mom is saying she wants me to choose a local school or not attend college at all because she will need my help with my brothers in middle school and high school. She also wants me to get an after-school job to help with the bills because my father is not giving her the money she thinks she needs.
I love my mother and would never be disrespectful, but why is she putting all of this on me? I didn’t ask for this. How can I say no to my mother? I’m in activities after school, the band and other clubs. In the spring, I’m going to run track. Am I being selfish? I’m just a kid. Do I need help or does my mother need help? — Senior 2010
Dear Senior,
No 17-year-old should be put in your situation. You are right, you should be working hard in your last year of high school, enjoying friends, participating in your many activities and preparing for college next year. I think you should continue with these plans, despite your parents’ divorce.
There are many scholarships available to you sponsored by the military for military children. When you have the opportunity, you should visit the Army Community Services on post and ask for educational information. The professionals there will be happy to help you.
Regarding your parents, I know you did not create this dilemma, but you are going to have to ask others for help and support. Reach out to your grandparents, aunts and uncles, school counselors, a youth pastor, etc. These people also could support your mother.
Most of all, you should talk to your father. He should know his actions are causing your mother to place unrealistic expectations on you.
I know you love your mother. Let her know you want to support her, but forgoing college is not an option. Saying this to her would not be disrespectful. If you like, tell your mother you wrote this letter, and ask her to write to me, too. I am happy to give her advice and point her in the right direction for resources.
Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.
• Vicki Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker, military spouse and mother of three. Her column runs in The Washington Times on Thursdays and Sundays. Contact her at dearmsvicki@yahoo.com.
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