It’s Saturday night, and the Cushmans’ spacious Loudoun County home is in a controlled uproar. Cole is already greeting early arrivals for his 15th birthday party. In a few hours, the basement will be filled with 50 of his classmates and friends.
His brother Travis, 17, is discussing his evening plans with his mother, Gail. He’s pretty sure that he’ll be spending the evening with three friends a boy and two girls. What isn’t clear is their destination. Cell phones and frequent calls will keep Mrs. Cushman abreast of his evolving plans as destinations change and friends join or leave the group. Last week, they all ended up at a Chuck E Cheese. Tonight, they’re headed for a movie.
That’s the social life of teens these days. It’s unusual for boys to call at the beginning of the week and arrange a carefully planned date with a special girl. Similarly, few girls stay home all weekend waiting for that call to come through. Dating is so yesterday. Friendship is so now.
While many parents applaud this free-form group dynamic, experts caution there’s safety in numbers as long as parents maintain good communication and continued involvement in their teen’s social life.
“Teens have always functioned in groups,” says Don Elium, a family therapist and parenting author from Walnut Creek, Calif. “The change is that in the last 10 to 15 years, one-on-one dating has given way to group dating. It can be a wonderfully healthy thing because the group insulates the teen from the social pressure to be intimate. But it can also be very dangerous if the group organizes around drugs or drinking or sex.”
Mr. Elium says membership in a social group gives teens a sense of security as they move from the safety of their nuclear family into the bigger world. It can serve as a safe place to experiment as teens discover who they are. But since limits of behavior are set within the peer group, Mr. Elium says, it can also become a “Lord of the Flies” environment and entice members into activities they would never consider if they were alone.
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