- The Washington Times - Thursday, May 29, 2003

As Major League Baseball continues to operate like some fly-by-night minor operation, shuffling one of its franchises between Montreal and San Juan, officials are entertaining offers from far and wide for any place but Washington to put the Expos.

Cadillac Bud Selig, the ringmaster of this circus, has said that baseball will consider Puerto Rico as a permanent location for the Expos.

“We would be delighted to consider a proposal from San Juan,” Cadillac Bud wrote in a letter to Anibal Acevedo-Vila, Puerto Rico’s non-voting representative to Congress. (It’s nice that Cadillac Bud responds so well to the non-voting members of Congress. Maybe there’s hope for the District yet.)

The Washington Times has learned that Cadillac Bud recently received another letter from a new entry in the Expos sweepstakes. Since baseball is considering a proposal from San Juan, it’s likely that Cadillac Bud also will consider this latest offer, of which I obtained a copy:

“Mr. Selig:

“My name is Sam Drucker. I am the mayor, fire chief, postal inspector, Chamber of Commerce president, owner of Hooterville’s General Store, editor of the Hooterville newspaper and dogcatcher for the community of Hooterville, a proud community and part of the “Possum Triangle” of the south, which of course includes Petticoat Junction and Bugtussle.

“One of our citizens, Fred Ziffel, has one of them satellite dishes, and he came to my store and told me that it might be a good idea if we try to buy this Canadian team you are trying to unload, the Montreal Expos. Fred said his pig Arnold is a big baseball fan, and Arnold was watching the Expos one day and said that we could probably get a bigger crowd than the ones who see that team play in that Canadian city. (I was wondering, Mr. Selig, do those players speak Canadian? That could be a problem.)

“Heck, we get more people at the Possum Queen Festival in nearby Bugtussle than they do in Montreal for one of them Expo games.

“We have everything that you would need to bring a baseball team here. We have the money, and it ain’t none of them Puerto Rico pesos or French francs or whatever they use for money in Montreal. We have real honest-to-goodness American money. We’ve got black gold, Texas tea.

“Jed Clampett is a millionaire. He used to live in Bugtussle, but now he lives in California. Though he keeps his money in a Beverly Hills bank, he said he would be willing to take some of it out of the bank to buy this team for us, providing that we let his nephew Jethro play on the team. Jethro is a good boy — a little limited mentally, but from what Arnold has told Fred, that means he would fit right into a baseball clubhouse.

“I may also have to court Granny for a while, but that is a small price to pay to bring the national pastime to the greater Hooterville metropolitan area.

“We have the transportation to handle a baseball team. The Hooterville Cannonball runs through here, and we have a great hotel, the Shady Rest, run by Kate Bradley and Uncle Joe, who moves kind of slow, but from what I hear, Mr. Selig, you move kind of slow, too, so maybe you two would hit it off.

“And it wouldn’t cost that much to build a ballpark, because we have a construction company that could do all the building and fixing, run by the Monroe Brothers, Ralph and Alf. And talk about promotion. We have the slickest salesmen this side of the Mississippi, Mr. Haney. He would fit right in with you boys. He could sell snowballs to Eskimos, or, for that matter, broken-down farms to New York lawyers. Which brings us to our attorney, Oliver Wendell Douglas.

“Mr. Douglas says that based on the Constitution of the United States, it is un-American to put a baseball team in another country if there is a suitable location here in America. He said so in a speech right in my general store. He knows a lot about lawyering, which, from what Arnold told us, is more important in baseball than hitting or pitching.

“Mr. Douglas will be in contact with you soon about buying this baseball team. We even have a name picked out — the Hooterville Heifers.

“Yours in farm living.

“Sam Drucker.”

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