Well, I suppose it had to happen. After 11 years of teaching at a public university, I finally got a call from one of my superiors informing me I had made one of my co-workers feel “uncomfortable” in the workplace. For those who may not know, the right to feel “comfortable” at all times trumps the First Amendment at most public universities.
Naturally, when I found out I made a co-worker feel “uncomfortable,” I wanted to know what I had said or done to produce such an unthinkable result. That was when I learned that the “discomfort” occurred because I had been discussing some of my weekly columns here in the workplace.
The penalty for that transgression was a ban on discussing my columns in the office in front of those who might be offended by my opinions.
When it first hit me that while in the office I could no longer talk about homosexual rights, feminism or any issue I discuss in my column, I was outraged. In fact, I got so mad I raised my voice before storming out of my superior’s office. I never thought the right of each university employee to feel comfortable at all times would ever actually be enforced against me here in the workplace.
But after I thought about it for a while, my anger turned to elation. Surely, the power to trump the First Amendment rights of others in response to “discomfort” is available to all employees, not just a select few. Since that must be the case, I decided to make a list of every situation at the University of North Carolina-Wilmington where I had felt “uncomfortable.”
Armed with such a list, university administrators can now identify and silence the responsible parties, and I can enjoy the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of unmitigated comfort. The following list isn’t yet complete, but I thought I would share some highlights, since I’m not allowed to talk to anyone in the office about these issues:
• My first year at UNCW, a faculty member in our department objected to a job candidate because he was “a little too white male.” Such comments make me feel really uncomfortable, being a white guy and all that.
• My second year at UNCW we removed a white woman from our interview pool to make room for a black woman. When the university forced me to discriminate on the basis of race, I felt really uncomfortable.
• My third year at UNCW someone suggested we should reject a job candidate because he was “too religious.” It sure makes me feel uncomfortable when people say things like that.
• My fourth year at UNCW someone objected to a job candidate because she felt the husband played too dominant a role in the candidate’s marriage. It also makes me feel uncomfortable when people say things like that.
• Then there are all the times that the name Jesus Christ has been used as a form of profanity in the office. That makes me feel uncomfortable. By the way, I am especially offended by the phrase “Jesus [expletive] Christ.” I mean, no one ever says “Mo [expletive] Hammed” or “[expletive] Buddha,” do they?
• Then there was the time that a homosexual activist in our department suggested I switch to bisexuality to double my chances of finding a suitable “partner.” That made me feel uncomfortable, and she knew it. After I started to blush, she asked, “What’s the matter, are you a little homophobic?”
• And how about the time a faculty member called another faculty member a “mother [expetive]” in one of our meetings? These sociologists need to start getting along with one another if they plan to build a Utopian society. Plus, it makes me feel really uncomfortable to hear these threats of violence in the workplace.
• Then there’s the professor in our department who thinks I am trying to poison her with tear gas. A few years ago, the police questioned me about breaking into her office and spraying chemicals. That was a pretty uncomfortable situation. I think it even qualifies as a Maalox moment.
• A member of the UNCW Board of Trustees has been heard calling people “white trash” and making other racist statements in public. She has to vote on my next promotion as well as the promotion of every other professor at the university. That makes me feel a little uncomfortable, still being a white guy and all that.
Well, that covers the first few items on my list. I have over 200 more to go but I’m getting a crick in my neck from writing all this down. It’s only 10:51 a.m. (EST) but I think I’ll call it a day. I can’t work unless I feel perfectly comfortable, both physically and emotionally at all times.
I know that, if everyone follows my lead, free speech will die here at our local university. But at least everyone will feel comfortable at all times. I guess that’s all that really matters.
MIKE ADAMS
Professor Adams is the author of “Welcome to the Ivory Tower of Babel.”
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