Inside the Beltway

Thanks, Ted

First, we published the “Official 2004 Democratic National Committee Convention Program.” At least that was what the program’s Republican purveyors insisted it was.

The convention schedule of events included a series of antiwar rallies, followed by Sen. Ted Kennedy proposing a toast, a re-enactment of John Kerry’s fake medal toss, tributes to Spain and France followed by Mr. Kennedy proposing another toast (this columnist bumped into Mr. Kennedy at a Washington restaurant the night after we published the program and he smiled and shook my hand), and finally a homosexual “marriage” ceremony.

That said, we promised to bring readers the “official” agenda of the Republican National Convention, should we obtain one from Democrats. It arrived overnight.

The opening ceremony features the O-Jays singing “For the Love of Money” followed by the invocation from Rush Limbaugh, the Pledge of Allegiance to Fox News, Bill O’Reilly telling America to shut up, a series of pro-war rallies led by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, during which Iraqis throw roses at his feet, after which a bomb squad clears the convention hall to inspect the roses, Mr. O’Reilly telling America to shut up again, and finally an exhibition of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction (note: if WMDs unavailable, substitute exhibition will be offered).

Pass the syrup

Regarding the depth of his foreign-policy experience after two decades on Capitol Hill, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry remarked on NBC’s “Meet the Press”:

“You can go to New York City and you can be in a restaurant and you can meet a foreign leader. There are plenty of places to meet people without traveling abroad.”

To which Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart, Florida Republican — whose Aunt Mirta, we might recall, married Fidel Castro in 1948, only to divorce him after he sent their son off to schooling in the Soviet Union — now responds:

“I just want to make sure Senator Kerry understands that just because you go into an International House of Pancakes does not mean you are meeting with foreign leaders — unless, of course, you are referring to their Belgian waffles, stuffed French toast or German pancakes.”

Easy squeeze

When John F. Kerry signs

On dotted bottom lines,

At the end of the day,

Who has to pay —

Is it him or Mrs. Heinz?

— F.R. Duplantier

Build and duck

It’s not easy rebuilding a nation from the ground up when your builders are at risk of being taken hostage or shot.

So today, USAID Administrator Andrew Natsios will explain a new role for the Agency for International Development and other U.S. foreign-assistance programs: combating terrorism.

In an address to a U.S. Institute of Peace audience at the National Press Club, Mr. Natsios will say his agency is drawing upon its experiences in Iraq, Afghanistan and Liberia to examine humanitarian intervention and reconstruction strategies in the age of terrorism.

Other speakers: James Dobbins, director of the International Security and Defense Policy Center at the Rand Corp.; William Garvelink, USAID’s deputy assistant administrator in the Bureau of Democracy, Conflict and Humanitarian Affairs; and Daniel Serwer, director of peace and stability operations at the U.S. Institute of Peace.

Another cog

Inside the Beltway reader Donald K. Steiner of Accokeek, Md., admonishes:

“I am getting sick and tired of seeing the title ’czar’ tacked on every little government lackey when you run out of imagination. Mr. [Richard A.] Clarke most certainly is not or ever was a [counterterrorism] czar in or out federal government. He, like so many you hang this title on, are links in the chain of government, just another cog in the wheel.

“I do not know who started this fad back during the Carter administration, but unfortunately, none has ever measured up to that class to be considered a czar of anything. Come on now, let’s use a little imagination for once and write your stories like normal reporters should.”

• John McCaslin, whose column is nationally syndicated, can be reached at 202/636-3284 or jmccaslin@washingtontimes.com.