- The Washington Times - Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Here’s to the Montgomery County educators holding an X-rated cucumber aloft to demonstrate an everlasting point — and a Merry Christmas, too.

Or should the salutation be Merry Holidays? Or happy Winter Break?

So, happy Secular Days, to the easily offended in our midst. Yes, you. Even you deserve one snit-free day a year.

We do not intend to offend during this special time of the year. Peace on Earth, Cindy Sheehan.

“It’s a Wonderful Life,” as always, thank you very much, Frank Capra.

‘Tis the season to give, although all too many members of the D.C. Council are not in the mood to give Major League Baseball approval of the lease agreement on the proposed ballpark along the Anacostia River Waterfront in Southeast.

Have an eggnog drink on us, Mayor Anthony A. Williams. You look as if you could use one.

As it is, just in time, Frank Robinson, the no-nonsense manager of the Washington Nationals, finds a new contract underneath his tree.

To the owners and merchants of the Skyland Shopping Center in Southeast, we wish you a stronger judicial year in your ongoing tug-of-war with the land-grabbing visionaries of the National Capital Revitalization Corp.

This is a yuletide salute to the Fun Street bunch in Chinatown: Zack Bolno, Brian Sereno, Eric Hernandez, Carole Meiselman, Daren Jenkins, Chauncey McCall and Dave Johnson, the hardest-working man in the media business.

Or does that claim belong to Dave Feldman? This is not to overlook the irrepressible Tony Cheng, who takes it one Peking duck at a time.

A happy holidays toast goes to Grover Bark, the nut who confirms it takes one to know one. The same goes to the pony-tailed fellow and the adventurer/explorer.

It is our fervent wish that Santa Claus stick a good pair of earplugs underneath the tree of the Bus Man of Benton, whose only desire is to get a good night’s rest amid the din of the brake-screeching Orion II minibus.

And how about those Joe Gibbs-inspired Redskins? They are performing in the spirit of the season, and Clinton Portis has shown himself to be a performing artist of the highest order, what with his unveiling of a new alter ego each week.

Sorry, Peter Angelos. You are receiving several lumps of coal in your stocking. That is nonnegotiable.

Cheers to the gang at Austin Grill: Sami, Ray and Phil. And Tom and Aaron of Kavanaugh’s. The same to the wise men of the night: L. Peter Farkas, Bill, Tony, Darrell and Fred.

A hearty Merry Christmas to the illegal aliens of Fairfax and Montgomery counties. Is there anything else we can get you besides a day-laborer center? A driver’s license? Free health care? Free social services? Not a problem. It is our fundamental duty to make your illegal stay as pleasant as possible.

We say joy to the world of Al and Sandy Bradford, Mohammed A. Hasanian, Maurice Marsolais, Logan Circle’s Mr. Chris, the blues players of Vegas Lounge, Reggie McKinney, David and Camille Jones, Robin Wood and Heather Malkani, i.e., Heathen Carnage Malevolence, the creator of Disneylike fantasies and the loveable Full Moon Klavun.

We hope the overworked members of the various storm-team coverage teams in the city are able to enjoy a respite from their posts in Cumberland, Md. It cannot be easy lugging around a ruler and a microphone after the latest two-flake blizzard that results in white-out conditions around the region.

Here’s to the good will of the ever-tireless Fred Sternburg, a promoter’s promoter. And Charlie Brotman, Sylita, Sepi and the oppressed proprietors of Town Hall.

And now a warning to the grinches endeavoring to excise Christmas from the American vocabulary and all Christian displays that celebrate the occasion: We are planning to stage a Holiday Candelabra Crusade next year. That’s right. A crusade.

We will be armed with hot wax and considered easily offended.

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