- The Washington Times - Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Memo to our amigos in Central America: The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors has agreed to put out a $400,000 welcome mat to ease the illegal transition of your citizens in Herndon, Annandale and Culmore.

In case you have not heard, some of your citizens illegally cross the border with bladder conditions and then have no choice but to relieve their discomfort after setting up shop on the grounds of private businesses.

We crazy gringos never knew that our Central American friends were afflicted with so many bladder issues. But now we do, and in true American spirit, our duly elected officials are setting up day-laborer centers to ease the trauma of a weak bladder, both for the person with the weak bladder and those who might catch a glimpse of the person with the issue.

The day-laborer centers will be equipped with bathrooms and other essential services, such as English classes and social counseling. Sometimes, day laborers have an urge to ogle women, and it would be awfully nice if the day laborers could discuss this need with a social worker.

A social worker who has earned the proper number of graduate degrees could ask, “How does it make you feel to ogle women? And which feels more empowering: ogling women or relieving yourself against the side of the 7-Eleven?”

You should know that one of Virginia’s gubernatorial candidates, Democrat Timothy M. Kaine, called the Republican candidate Jerry W. Kilgore “mean-spirited” for saying, “It’s not too much to ask people to follow our laws.” Mean person that he is, Mr. Kilgore also said, “I do not support using taxpayer dollars to fund illegal immigration.” Only in 2005 could that be a talking point of a political candidate.

Mr. Kilgore might as well have said he does not support using taxpayer dollars to fund illegal activities of any kind. Most anyone in the audience would have thought: “Well, yeah.” But Mr. Kilgore felt compelled to state the obvious because of Mr. Kaine’s endorsement of the Fairfax County solution to aid the three localities, with Herndon in the biggest rush to bring a slice of Central America to what used to be a sleepy town on the old Washington & Old Dominion Railroad line.

“I’m not going to second-guess the Herndon Town Council for making that call,” Mr. Kaine said.

The mayor of Herndon is endeavoring to have the day-laborer center operational within 90 days, which is good news to horrified women, those repulsed by weak bladders and the besieged workers of the 7-Eleven that now serves as a gathering spot.

Mr. Kaine is not about to second-guess the skirting of a fairly fundamental law, with taxpayer money. But he probably would not be so lenient with Virginians who decided not to pay their state taxes in protest. A failure to pay your taxes is against the law, don’t you know? Mr. Kaine, if he is to be consistent, ought to grant each of his potential constituents one tax law to ignore. It is the least he could do for American citizens. They have the expectation to be treated almost as fairly as illegal aliens.

An added benefit to Virginians being granted one law-breaking opportunity with the tax code is this: The next time the elected fools come up with another bird-brain idea, they won’t have as many funds to implement it.

As it is, all too many hide behind a shield of compassion, as Mr. Kaine does. This compassion undoubtedly has limits. How many illegal aliens would it take to be in residence in Northern Virginia before Mr. Kaine would come up with the novel idea of enforcing the law? Virginia’s lawmakers eventually are going to have to address that question.

Word no doubt is filtering back to Central America by telephone.

You can imagine the gist of the conversation: Can you believe those crazy gringos? Come one, come all. Pronto.


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