- The Washington Times - Monday, January 1, 2007

Jan. 1

I resolve not to gain any weight,

I resolve not to ever be late,

I resolve not to get

Any further in debt

On this single inceptional date.

F.R. Duplantier

Our resolutions

Inside the Beltway is pleased to present its annual list of New Year’s resolutions, whereby readers assume the personas of the president and his fellow politicians indeed, members of the incoming 110th Congress:

“I, Patrick Leahy, resolve to provide al Qaeda with calling cards after I pull the plug on the warrantless wiretaps.”

“I, Patrick Leahy, resolve to provide the Guantanamo detainees with both habeas corpus and ‘habeas vacationus’ in Vermont.”

“I, John Kerry, who served in Vietnam, hereby resolve to have Air America critique my jokes prior to me botching them.”

“I, Joe Biden, resolve to improve my enemy/friend identification skills: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad = bad; John Bolton = good.”

“I, Ted Kennedy, resolve to continue working with President Bush on NCLB (No Child Left Behind, and to correctly rename the program to NCLB, No Cash Left Behind).”

“I, Jay Rockefeller, resolve to forfeit my great-grandfather’s Standard Oil fortune when Exxon Mobil gives up the freedom of speech and falls in line with the global-warming crowd.”

“I, Hillary Clinton, resolve to add a chapter in the rerelease of ‘It Takes a Village,’ that deals with the village intern.”

“I, Carl Levin, as chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, resolve to have a Navy corpsman instruct me on the proper wearing of eyeglasses.”

“I, President Bush, resolve to improve bipartisanship by having Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi and Senator Ted Kennedy to this year’s White House New Year’s Eve party, if the distinguished senior senator from Massachusetts will provide Mrs. Pelosi with transportation.”

(Lester Berry, Voorhees, N.J.)

“I, President Bush, resolve to be the resolute president that American citizens met on September 11, 2001.”

(Cara Lyons Lege, Frisco, Texas)

“We, congressional Republicans, resolve to stop spending like drunken Democrats.”

(Ed Van Voorhees, Nashville, Tenn.)

“We, members of Congress, hereby resolve that the government of these United States will spend one dollar less than it spent the previous year, and will employ one less person than the previous year.”

(Charles Thomas, West Pittston, Pa.)

“We, members of Congress, resolve not to pass any legislation that we have not personally read from beginning to end. There needs to be no haste in passing permanent laws. Our staff should not be doing that part of our jobs.”

(Tom Camp, Shelby, N.C.)

“I, member of Congress, pledge that I will serve honestly and honorably, and that I will truly represent my constituents in district or state without regard to political persuasions.”

(Richard Letaw, Vienna, Va.)

“We, senators and congressmen, hereby resolve to recognize that truth is objective (that which conforms to reality) rather than what I, in all my pomposity, prefer to believe it is.”

(Bill Dillon, Ocean Pines, Md.)

“We, members of Congress, hereby resolve to nominate former D.C. Police Chief Charles H. Ramsey as a candidate for chief of the United States Capitol Police. Chief Ramsey’s professionalism and integrity have been of the highest degree during his eight-year tour as chief of the Metropolitan Police force.”

(Jim Dawson, Clinton, Md.)

“I, John Kerry, hereby resolve to continue: denouncing President Bush’s policies in Iraq, even in the face of people saying I’m aiding and abetting Islamo-terrorists; praising priests who allow me to receive the Sacraments before, during and after I vote for legislation facilitating abortion; and promise to use my wife’s money more wisely in proving myself to be the best candidate for the presidential election in 2008.”

(Ann Sheridan, Washington, D.C.)

“We, members of Congress, resolve to approve immediate declarations that: support the nation of Israel ‘for life’; support the establishment of an independent nation of Palestine; partially privatize Social Security; extend tax cuts (income, capital gains) beyond 2010; write a national ‘Jessica’s Law’ (anti-pedophile bill); write an anti-pornography Internet-control bill; write a border-protection bill without amnesty for illegal immigrants, but with a requirement for illegal immigrants to step forward, admit their illegal status and make restitution through public service, thus waiving any further legal action against them.”

(Retired Air Force Lt. Col. Rob Weinhold; Dale City, Va.)

“We, members of Congress, resolve not to wreck the country by leaving it trillions of dollars in debt, with entitlements that are out of control, leaving young people today in fear of the future.”

(Michael Krekel, Palos Verdes Estates, Calif.)

John McCaslin, whose column is nationally syndicated, can be reached at 202/636-3284 or jmccaslinwashingtontimes.com.

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