- The Washington Times - Wednesday, May 16, 2007

It is time to ban 7-Eleven hot dogs, ballpark food, McDonald’s and all the other peddlers of death by cholesterol.

This is the way it has to be if we are to help those who cannot make good decisions about what to put into their mouths. And we have to enact these measures because death by creamy nacho cheese is a serious public-health threat that costs each of us a fairly considerable health care sum.

We no longer can afford to ignore the fatties in our midst. We no longer can accept that it is their inalienable right to be two tons of fun, especially if it is a woman who is wearing a midriff-exposing top and the rolls of flab are spilling out over a belt that is holding up jeans that are three sizes too small.

In the latter case, that is not merely a public-health issue. It also is a form of environmental terror. No one should have to see that. No one should have to endure that kind of trauma on the psyche.

For the record, I have nothing against fatties. Some of my worst neighbors are fat. I fully expect one of the group-house women on the street to eventually compromise the structural integrity of her front porch after plopping her incredibly expanding rump on it.

Hers is a testament to massive consumption that should be registered with the local police precinct or at least measured by an inspector to see if it exceeds housing codes.

A derriere that pronounced raises all sorts of quality-of-life issues, not the least of which is if you are the sap seated next to this horizontally challenged body part on a three-hour flight and come to the sinking realization that you have lost half your seat while the jet is taxiing for takeoff.

Perhaps Montgomery County’s ban on trans fat in restaurants will improve the flying experience. Perhaps it will ease the wear and tear on toilet seats in public restrooms. Perhaps it will save us a dime or two on health care monies that can be better used to meet the medical needs of all the illegal aliens in our region.

Let’s get this straight: Our illegal aliens are not bionic people. They have medical problems just like anyone else. And sorry, Wheaton. We do not want to hear one more thing about how your single-family homes are being turned into boarding houses, with 15 to 20 illegal aliens crammed into a living space. There you go again, trying to impose your cultural values on hardworking illegal aliens who perform the labor we are too fat to do.

A ban on trans fat in restaurants is the first step to being able to paint and landscape your home without soliciting a crew of illegal aliens. But more bans are necessary if we truly want to improve the life of those who are unhappy with their oversized lot in life but do not know how to address it.

This possibly would help the dark dispositions of Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell, both of whom appear to be mainlining trans fat, along with wolfing down a dozen Big Macs a day.

We cannot stop with a ban on trans fat if we want to be serious, as the Montgomery County Council members undoubtedly know. What is to stop someone from replacing trans fat with another dangerous substance, such as Haagen-Dazs ice cream? What’s harder on your arteries — consuming vast amounts of Haagen-Dazs ice cream or stuffing your face with french fries cooked in trans fat?

As long as the impending bans by Montgomery County do not affect the Dunkin’ Donuts on Connecticut Avenue in Aspen Hill, we’ll be cool. Two glazed doughnuts go down awfully well with a cup of coffee.

I know. You are right. Those glazed doughnuts will kill you if you are not careful.

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