MS. VICKI: Put children first in blended family

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I really need some answers to make sure I am doing the right thing. My husband’s family is very rude and has ill feelings toward me. I’m not sure why they don’t like me, but there has been a bone of contention between us for a long time.

Believe me, Ms. Vicki, I have tried to be the model person and be the bigger person in this matter. They did not want my husband to marry me, and they refuse to come to my home. They invite my husband to their family functions, and although I’m not really invited, I have tagged along.

It doesn’t matter that I am a good wife — I am well-educated and have helped my husband financially — but no matter what, I just don’t measure up.

My husband and I have no children together, however, I have two wonderful children, ages 8 and 10, from a previous marriage. I have never cared how my in-laws treat me, but they also are very mean-spirited toward my children. His parents have never inquired about how my children are doing or questioned them about their lives in any way. My husband has not intervened on my children’s behalf in this matter — which is the only problem I have ever had with him.

My children’s birthdays are never remembered by his family members. However, my mother-in-law and others brag about the many presents the other grandchildren receive. At Christmas gatherings, the other grandchildren open numerous gifts given by the family, and, you guessed it, my children have never received one gift from anyone.

This Christmas, my husband wants to go to a Christmas party at his parents’ home and my children don’t want to go. They say, “They are mean to me, they don’t talk or play with me, and I don’t want to go. I want to stay at home.”

Should I tell my husband that my children don’t want to go to his parents’ home for Christmas or should we come anyway and make them miserable that they have to look at us?

Thanks for your help, Ms. Vicki. I love reading your column. - Christmas Jeer

Dear Christmas Jeer,

If this was only about your attendance, then I would say you’re an adult who can make your own decision.

However, I totally support the children and their care and happiness. In my opinion, you should not take your children. You have to protect them. If you don’t protect them, who will?

From your report, your husband doesn’t get it. Besides, you won’t make your in-laws miserable by showing up; you will only be decreasing your children’s self-esteem and self-worth. Moreover, what they’ve experienced with your husband’s family is not fair to them at all and you should not continue to subject your children to this behavior from adults who should know better.

I know this is the season for peace, love and happiness. However, this is also a great time for you to have some serious discussions with your husband about this matter. In my opinion, he is not showing much respect and consideration for his family.

You also should discuss marital and family counseling with him. Seek a professional clinician who is experienced with blended-family issues.

I really wish you a joyous holiday season, but your focus should be to protect your children. This may be a good time to establish some holiday traditions of your own that include showing your children just how important they are to you. Stay in touch and thank you for reading the column.

• Vicki Johnson is a licensed clinical social worker, military spouse and mother of three. Her Dear Ms. Vicki column runs in The Washington Times on Thursdays and Sundays. Contact her at dearmsvicki@ yahoo.com