- The Washington Times - Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I like “Saturday Night Live” as much as the next person - at least when it’s poking fun at Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. But now the show is making fun of me, and that’s no laughing matter.

Last Saturday’s episode featured a skit in which I was portrayed as a bumbling incompetent. I’m legally blind! Of course I bumble now and then. I’m offended that “SNL” would make fun of a disabled person - me - like that, so I’ve spoken out on behalf of all disabled people. Can’t “SNL” be funny without ever making fun of a single disability?

- David Paterson

Dear David,

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

- Robert Benchley

Have you seen the nude pictures of me in GQ? Man, I look good, don’t I? And I’m almost 40. Woo, I am hot.

I’m on fire, and not just with how I look. I’ve got the whole package. I’ve made a big show of dating a younger man the last number of months. I knew when I talked on “Oprah” about us being reunited that the whole world would know the news. Including Angelina Jolie.

It was easy to get attention for talking about that husband-stealer and dating a younger man. But how am I ever going to top these nude pictures? What can I do next to show people that I’m one of the most wanted women in the world?

- Jennifer Aniston

Dear Jennifer,

Power doesn’t have to show off. Power is confident, self-assuring, self-starting and self-stopping, self-warming and self-justifying. When you have it, you know it.

- Ralph Ellison

It seems our great nation is at risk of being without a great dynasty. My uncle Ted might be leaving the Senate soon, and that means the body would be without a Kennedy for the first time in a half-century.

I’ve decided to step in - I want the New York Senate seat being vacated by Hillary Clinton.

I’ve been surprised, though, by the negative talk about my candidacy. People actually seem to believe that being a Kennedy for more than 50 years isn’t enough of a qualification for public service. I suppose I have been pretty bold in going after this seat without having done my time in the ranks. But don’t you think that such boldness itself might speak to my qualifications?

- Caroline Kennedy

Dear Caroline,

I don’t say ‘tis impossible for an impudent man not to rise in the world, but a moderate merit with a large share of impudence is more probable to be advanced than the greatest qualifications without it.

- Mary Worley Montagu

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