- The Washington Times - Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I showed off my lush mansion, filled with priceless treasures, on television, and now I’m paying the price — I’ve been robbed.

Perhaps it wasn’t such a good idea to show the world just how my house was laid out. And maybe I shouldn’t have left my front door unlocked that day. But how would thieves know that I’d be dumb enough to do something like that? Is there anything I can do to avoid being the victim of a robbery in the future? I’ve got a lot more jewelry where that came from.

— Paris Hilton

Dear Paris,

Stupidity is better kept a secret than displayed.

— Heraclitus

I really need your help — as well as that of a good lawyer. I managed to stay out of the spotlight this year, even though my 18-year-old son is the unmarried father-to-be of the grandkid of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. I’m finally making my own headlines, though — I was just arrested on six felony drug counts.

This makes me look pretty bad, to say the least, especially compared with my son’s soon-to-be-in-laws. They make a big show of what a happy family they are, with Sarah pursuing a big career at the same time she’s raising five children. She talks about her life all the time, while I’ve tried to stay pretty quiet about mine. Do I need to start speaking up in my own defense now?

— Sherry Johnston

Dear Sherry,

As far as I’m concerned, I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue.

— Albert Einstein

I’m getting a lot of attention for my Broadway debut — but not the right kind.

My doctor ordered me to quit the David Mamet show I’m performing in because he found high levels of mercury in my blood. I guess I eat a lot of sushi.

Quitting wasn’t even my decision, but people don’t seem to believe me. It’s true that I tried to end my run early awhile back. And it’s true that someone claims to have heard me talk about being “bored out of my mind” on Broadway. But doctor’s orders are doctor’s orders. Even my former co-stars are publicly talking about how much more they’re enjoying performing now that I’m gone.

I suppose this is a fishy tale I’m telling. But how else would you have gotten yourself out of a situation you never should have gotten yourself into?

— Jeremy Piven

Dear Jeremy,

The best way out is always through.

— Robert Frost

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