- The Washington Times - Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’m not perfect - but at least I’m honest about it. I had no trouble telling the world I actually flirted with my own daughter at the funeral of my longtime love. I didn’t recognize her! I also wondered if I contributed to giving my partner, Farrah Fawcett, cancer - I wasn’t always that nice to her. I even admitted I’m “a hopeless father” - which might be why one of my sons says I gave him cocaine when he was 11.

Isn’t it the case that if you’re open about your problems, they’re not so bad? Really, it’s myself I’ve harmed more than anyone else. I only speak to one of my children now, so I could end up dying practically alone.

- Ryan O’Neal

Dear Ryan,

In the investigation of a neurotic style of life, we must always suspect an opponent, and note who suffers most because of the patient’s condition. Usually this is a member of the family.

- Alfred Adler

Some might say I’ve led a charmed life. My grandparents were actors, and so is my dad. I’m Hollywood royalty. Being a Douglas has even gotten me a few film roles - not that you’d remember them.

For some reason, though, this great luck has just led me to lash out. I got arrested again on a drug charge - this time I was charged with intent to distribute meth. I did have rather a lot of it - half a pound. Is there any way I can use my connections to get out of this mess?

- Cameron Douglas

Dear Cameron,

A happy childhood has spoiled many a promising life.

- Robertson Davies

My latest film has topped the box office - but I can’t feel too happy about it. “Funny People” made less than $23 million, which means it had the year’s worst opening for a No. 1 film. People are starting to say I’m no longer the man with the golden touch. The other two movies I directed were huge - “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” and “Knocked Up.” And I’ve got a stellar track record as a producer, too, with hits like “Pineapple Express” and “Superbad” under my belt.

I just wanted to try something new with this film; I’m tired of only being known for comedy. But Hollywood is tough. Does this one bump in the road mean I’m no longer one of the smartest producers in town?

- Judd Apatow

Dear Judd,

Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know.

- William Saroyan

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