- The Washington Times - Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I need your help again. This time, though, it’s not for my daughter Lindsay - it’s for me.

I’ve just been arrested, if you can believe it. For making a phone call! Fine, my ex-girlfriend had a restraining order against me, and contacting her violated that. But what else could I do? It’s a scary world out there, as my daughter can attest, and a lonely one.

What can a guy do when he feels the need for a little contact?

- Michael Lohan

Dear Michael,

Personally, I experience the greatest degree of pleasure in having contact with works of art. They furnish me with happy feelings of an intensity such as I cannot derive from other realms.

- Albert Einstein

I can’t seem to get out of the news. Now an interview I did a week and a half before the crash that changed my life has been aired. In it, I talked a lot about how important my family is to me. And it is. But maybe my views have developed differently over the years.

It’s one thing to be a typical, middle-class family man. It’s another to be one of the most famous and highly paid athletes in the world. (Though I’m not sure how much longer that latter thing will be true - the more mistresses that come out of the woodwork, the more sponsorships I lose.)

Can’t people understand that such a transformation would change a man?

- Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

Other things may change us, but we start and end with family.

- Anthony Brandt

This is so embarrassing. A court just found that I don’t even have the skills to take care of my nearly adult 17-year-old daughter. They just gave guardianship of Frances Bean Cobain to my late husband’s mom and sister.

It seems so unfair. Sure, I was arrested on drug charges - but that was years ago. And maybe I rant and rave pretty bizarrely on Twitter. But lots of celebrities do. Am I really that different from all the other mothers in the world?

- Courtney Love

Dear Courtney,

Mothers are all slightly insane.

- J.D. Salinger

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