- The Washington Times - Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I hope you can answer my question. I don’t think there’s anybody in America who could use some advice right now more than me.

My wife was angry enough at me - as the world saw - when she found out I had one mistress. Now 10 women are saying they had affairs with me. It’s hard not to be tempted when you’re one of the world’s most famous and highly paid athletes. Women just fell into my lap, so to speak.

I suppose 10 - and maybe more - is a lot. Some people are wondering how I found time to play golf. But how can a guy like me stay faithful to one woman?

- Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

We are finally driven to monogamy not by morality but by exhaustion.

- Erica Jong

I thought life was finally going my way. For a few days there, I was one of the most famous men in the country. Now, my past is finally catching up with me. Time has a way of doing that, I guess.

You see, I owe a bit of money to various creditors. I was waiting until my wife Michaele got a gig on “The Real Housewives of D.C.” to get some cash to pay them back. That’s one reason we crashed that state dinner at the White House.

But all these people are so impatient. They’ve taken me to court, and now I’ve had to give up my beloved Patek Philippe watch. How am I supposed to crash more events when I don’t know when they’re about to start?

- Tareq Salahi

Dear Tareq,

Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it you can never get it back.

- Harvey MacKay

I know I’m one of the most notorious bachelors in show business, but I’m thinking of finally settling down, and want to know what you think.

I’ve been dating this lovely girl, Katy Perry, and think she might be the one. I need a girl who won’t get boring, and since she wrote a song about kissing a girl, I have a feeling she’ll always be up for adventure. I’ve met her parents, and we’re even thinking about having children one of these days.

What do you think? Should I put my crazy bachelor days - which everyone knows about, since I like to talk about them in public - behind me?

- Russell Brand

Dear Russell,

In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody’s torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.

- Lord Chesterfield

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