- The Washington Times - Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’ve resigned my position as America’s best-known governor. It’s not that I didn’t want to do the work anymore. Honestly. I’m just tired of having to do it in the spotlight.

It’s hard to focus on the job when late-night comedians are making dirty jokes about your young daughter. And I’m kind of a polarizing figure - like Jesus Christ, you know - so I keep having to deal with ethics complaints filed against me by my enemies. I can’t work under these conditions!

Normal people don’t have to do their jobs worrying about their family and foes, so why should I?

- Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah,

Acceptance of one’s life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.

- Paul Tournier

I started a brand-new job this week - but I can’t help wondering if I made the right decision in taking it on. I was an actor on one of television’s highest-rated dramas, “House.” Now I’m in the White House, working as the liaison for artsy types and Asian-Americans and Pacific Islanders. It’s not a very sexy job title. Do most Americans even know what Pacific Islanders are? Or that people of Indian heritage fall under the Asian-American category?

Even worse, all I’ve been able to do so far is a bunch of paperwork. Did I make a mistake in going from the higher echelons in acting to the lowest rung of the totem pole of politics?

- Kal Penn

Dear Kal,

Never turn down a job because you think it’s too small; you don’t know where it can lead.

- Julia Morgan

We’ve been off the front of the tabloids for a couple weeks now, and we can’t take it anymore.

We live to get attention - we don’t do much else. But since Michael Jackson died last month, he’s been hogging all the headlines. He’s dead, people! We understand him getting a bit of ink right after he died. But this is getting ridiculous - even TMZ.com had next to nothing on its front page yesterday but coverage of his memorial service.

How can we boot this guy - who’s not even around doing crazy things anymore - out of the papers so there’s more room for us?

- Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Ashlee Simpson, Kim Kardashian, Jon and Kate Gosselin, et al.

Dear celebrities,

When you can do the common things of life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

- George

Washington Carver

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