- The Washington Times - Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’ve been parading my gorgeous girlfriend around town. With a young Russian on my arm, I look like a pretty happy guy, but the truth is, I’ve got a lot of worries keeping me up at night.

My girlfriend is pregnant. That was tough news to reveal, given that I’m a traditionalist Catholic who’s still married to the woman who bore me seven children. Even harder was demanding a paternity test from the woman. My kids talked me into it. I’m worth around a billion, so there’s always the danger a guy like me could get played. But I’m having second thoughts — is it wrong to ask the woman you love (or at least whose looks you love) to take a test to prove her love?

— Mel Gibson

Dear Mel,

We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone — but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

— Walter Anderson

This is so embarrassing — I’m being sued by American Express for $350,000 in unpaid credit card bills.

I swear those charges weren’t mine. I think some imposters used my Social Security number to get those cards. But, ummm, just hypothetically, if I did rack up those debts, what’s the best way of paying them off? I’m a bit of a high-maintenance girl. I’ve got an image to keep up, you know. And I haven’t released an album in five years, so I’m a little low on funds.

— Courtney Love

Dear Courtney,

There are but two ways of paying debt: Increase of industry in raising income, increase of thrift in laying out.

— Thomas Carlyle

Fending off my rivals on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is tougher than I thought — one of them has managed to unearth a past I thought I’d left behind for good.

I might look like just another overly Botoxed rich witch, but I have a history no one could have imagined. I was arrested over 20 years ago on charges of extortion, kidnapping and drug possession. I was lucky enough to make a deal. It wasn’t really my fault, anyway — my drug-dealing boyfriend at the time kidnapped a kid to get his dad to pay the money the son owed. True, I did also work as a stripper and paid escort, but a girl’s gotta put food on the table, right?

What I’m wondering is how this will affect my “career.” I’m a single mother, and I need this Bravo show to keep myself and my girls well-dressed. I’m also concerned how I’ll find a rich or will-be-rich man with my past on display. Should I deny everything? Or write a tell-all book?

— Danielle Staub

Dear Danielle,

I like men who have a future and women who have a past.

— Oscar Wilde

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